- Ernest: Look at me! What do you see?
- Aunt Elsa: A lunatic!
- Ernest: [to Randi] What do you see?
- Randi Wallace: A senior citizen...
- Dr. Ian Matheson: With no fashion sense?
- Ernest: That's my problem.
- Mum Matheson: Surely you can find a friend to shop with you.
- Ernest: You don't understand. I'm Ernest Wallingren and I'm only 27 years old!
- [Ernest keels over from a heart attack]
- [discussing a hotel clerk's reactions]
- Randi Wallace: Funny that he thought we were married.
- Dr. Ian Matheson: Funnier than you know.
- Randi Wallace: I never really thought about it, but I shouldn't be surprised. After all, we've gone through a lot more together than most married couples.
- Dr. Ian Matheson: There's no disputing that, but...
- Randi Wallace: Then again, we're closer than most married couples. After all, how many wives let their husbands chain them up every month?
- [watching a kinky sex scene on television]
- Randi Wallace: I knew there was more to English television than Masterpiece Theatre.
- [pulling a book called "A Bachelor's Guide to London" from the hotel room's desk drawer]
- Randi Wallace: Now in a normal hotel room, this would be a Bible.
- [Ian swings the whip he found in another drawer]
- Dr. Ian Matheson: In Ernest's hotel room, that probably *is* the Bible.
- Dr. Ian Matheson: Oh, look, now we know what kind of man Ernest Wallingren is, can we please leave?
- Randi Wallace: Look, we know he's a smut hound, but the question is, is he a 30-year old smut hound or is he a 90-year-old smut hound?
- Dr. Ian Matheson: No. The question is, what business is it of ours?
- [Randi has captured the succubus who attacked Ian]
- Randi Wallace: I want you to give my friend his youth back.
- [Robin laughs derisively]
- Randi Wallace: His youth for your freedom - what's so funny about that?
- Robin: What did you have for lunch today?
- Randi Wallace: Steak and kidney pie. What does that have to do with anything?
- Robin: If a cow came up to you and asked for her organs back, wouldn't you laugh?
- [Randi discovered that a mirror's reflection can slay a succubus]
- Randi Wallace: I guess there's more than one way to kill a succubus.
- Dr. Ian Matheson: A remarkable and timely discovery, but there must be easier ways to become teacher's pet.
- Randi Wallace: Wait, wait, wait wait wait. Ah-ha!
- Dr. Ian Matheson: Ah-ha again. Now what? A pornographic gelatin mold? Ernest's whip collection? A life-size inflatable party girl?
- Dr. Ian Matheson: No, proof. Remember what he was wearing?
- [Randi pulls a garish set of mismatched tweeds from Ernest's armoire]