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Scrubs (TV Series)
My Unicorn (2004)
Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian
Quotes
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : What's your problem with your dad?
Murray Marks : Well, for starters, he named my Murray. That's an old man's name.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Oh, come on. No, it isn't.
Murray Marks : [looks down a hallway, and shouts] Murray!
Old "Murray"s : [several old men poke their heads out of their rooms] What?
Murray Marks : Everything my father's ever done was designed to humiliate me.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Murray.
Old "Murray"s : [several old men poke their heads out of their rooms] What?
Murray Marks : What?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : No, the youngest Murray.
[all but one old Murray retreat]
Old Murray : I'm 68!
Murray Marks : 34!
Old Murray : Dang it!
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Dr. Perry Cox : Who gave you this number?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I'm asking for your help here.
Dr. Perry Cox : Okay, but I think it's very important to focus on the "who gave you this number" issue.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Fine. Maybe I got too involved like you said, but would it kill you for once to acknowledge for that my heart was in the right place instead of spending all your time berating me.
Dr. Perry Cox : You got this number from Jordan, didn't you? She hates me.
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Murray Marks : Whenever I'm around the guy, I'm invisible.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Oh, come on, you're exaggerating.
Gregory Marks : [as he sings to some of the hospital staff] Heeey, good lookin', whaaa'cha got cookin'? How's about cooking something up with me!
Murray Marks : See what I mean?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Shhh! I love this song.
-
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [voice-over] Life in a hospital is never boring.
Nurse Carla Espinosa : What the hell are you guys doing?
[J.D. and Turk are shown running in slow motion]
Dr. Christopher Turk : Practicing our slow motion run.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Makes everything seem more dramatic.
Nurse Carla Espinosa : You're doctors. Doctors.
Dr. Christopher Turk : Baby?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Go get her, Turk!
Dr. Christopher Turk : Waaaaaaiiiiit!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Oh, he's slow.
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Murray Marks : He's not my dad, he's my fake dad which means what my fake cousin Samantha and I almost did in the 10th grade would have been beautiful and right.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Been there with my gram-gram.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : You will never guess what I found on the computer?
Dr. Perry Cox : Is it a set of adult male shoulders?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : They had to trim them to get me out of the well.
Dr. Perry Cox : Oh, right.
-
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I gotta tell you, Mr. Marks. Even though I know you'd never take it, I'd give you one of my kidneys in a second.
Gregory Marks : Oh, no, I would definitely take it! I would take it with my bare hands.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Awesome. Well, let me check your chart and s-see if we're a match.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Please don't be a match! Please don't be a match! Blood type O! Not a match! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I'm so sorry.
-
Mickey : I'm a pretty airplane! Board me.
Murray Marks : He's a little off.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : He smells like fuel.
Murray Marks : He's an airplane.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [voice over] If Murray could look past his dad's imperfections and appreciate all the time he'd given him, maybe I owe Dr. Cox a thank you for the same thing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [aloud, to Dr. Cox] Hey, I just want to take a second to thank you for constantly berating me, doubting my abilities, and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.
Dr. Perry Cox : My pleasure.
-
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [to Murray] OK. The song goes like this: "You were wrong, I was right... I found his son, I found his son, I found his son!" And then you jump out and yell, "That's me!"
Murray Marks : Yeah, but wouldn't it be funnier if I jumped out on the second "I found your son", you know, just to get it out there?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Yeah, but then who's gonna be singing the song? 'Cause it sure won't be me!
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : It's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on its head that protects my hopes and dreams.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!
Dr. Perry Cox : Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Say he's got a son or he's 29 years old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : That's a horse with a sword on his head and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.
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Gregory Marks : [to J.D] Hey, I bought you a journal.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Oh my God, a journal!
Gregory Marks : Well, you seem like the kind of sensitive young buck that likes to chronicle his feelings.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [voice-over] I can't wait to chronicle this one.
-
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me like every second of my life.
Murray Marks : Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Remember? Recently deceased dad?
Murray Marks : Massive heart attack!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Yes! I mean, yes.
-
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Look, Murray, it doesn't matter that your father's handsome and charismatic, and sings like a young Joan Baez.