- J.D.: How does it go? You're out of luck in the soup department?
- Larry Thomas the Soup Nazi: No soup for you!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Those pants make your ass look giant.
- Jordan Sullivan: Stop doing this.
- Dr. Perry Cox: I'm doing it for us. You suck at Scrabble.
- Jordan Sullivan: Do I look mad?
- Dr. Perry Cox: You have so much Botox in your expressionless face I can't tell.
- Jordan Sullivan: Ah ah ah...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, is that a frown?
- Jordan Sullivan: What else you got?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Well, when it's my turn to listen to the baby monitor, I just wait 'till you're asleep and I turn it off.
- Jordan Sullivan: Perry, give it up. There's nothing you can say.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Ah... You and your mother are basically the same person.
- Jordan Sullivan: [whispering angrily] What did you say? I will kill you!
- Dr. Perry Cox: If you don't wanna fight in front of Jack anymore, I understand; but I don't think that means we gotta stop all together. I mean, Jordan, you are an unpredictable, passionate person and you challenge me each and every day; and honestly that's the reason I can imagine being with you when I'm 70 and you're 65, and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29.
- Jordan Sullivan: My face will never look 40!
- Dr. Perry Cox: You're right. My bad.
- Jordan Sullivan: [Jordan and Dr. Cox's fighting make their son cry] If we keep this up, we're gonna scar him for life!
- Dr. Perry Cox: I don't necessarily buy into all that new agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [Dr. Cox looks up at Carla, the flesh all around his mouth bright red] Why is your mouth red?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Duct-taped two hours in a morgue drawer; don't piss off the Janitor; end of story.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Reciting his vows for Carla at their rehearsal dinner] Carla, I love that you get cold when it's seventy-one degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.
- [she furrows her brow at him]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, like you got right now! Just like that one! I love that you're the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [hissing] Turk!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, I'm workin' here.
- [continues]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's our rehearsal dinner. I came here tonight because, when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [the music sickeningly stops on Carla's cold expression. The gathered guests look similarly nonplussed. Marco, however, claps enthusiastically] Turk.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, baby?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's the speech from "When Harry Met Sally".
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
- Dr. Perry Cox: I can't imagine anything I care less about.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: [Dr. Kelso enters, struggling with the pen in his hand] Damn these twisty bottoms. We need some more clicky tops.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Not gonna happen, Bob. Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?
- Dr. Perry Cox: No, Bob. Everybody gets the same.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Fine. I'll just take these.
- [He reaches for a cup of pens on the desk. Dr. Cox slaps the cup across the nurses' station]
- Dr. Bob Kelso: You just bought yourself four weekends on call!
- [He exits, still struggling with his pen]
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Damn twisty bottoms!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: You just said you didn't care. Why are you fighting?
- Dr. Perry Cox: [whining] I can't stop!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Reciting his vows] Baby, you mean so much to me. That's why you my baby. And, yeah, there were babies before you, but I promise you, baby, you will be my baby forever, baby.
- [the camera pulls back to reveal that Turk is standing alone in his apartment, pantless]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Stop saying "baby"!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [about Elliot] So I take it you haven't broken up with her yet.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, I decided to stay with her forever.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: That's great, dude. I know you think you're being nice, but I'm pretty sure Elliot doesn't want to spend her life with someone who doesn't love her.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, you know what? If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go ahead and take my relationship advice from someone whose fiancee is currently speaking to him. Ohhhh!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Ohhhh-ho!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D. grabs a glass off the waiter's tray] Gimme some champagne! I need a victory sip!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] Maybe Elliot's just not the right fit for me. I mean, I'm the kinda guy who likes stupid movies.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Hey, let's rent 'Kangaroo Jack' tonight!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] And I have uncontrollable hostility towards small rodents.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Or we could just go shoot rats at the dump!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] Dammit, she's perfect on paper! What the hell's wrong with me?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What the hell you doing with that guy?
- Danni: I don't know. I thought it'd be cool to date a celebrity.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He's not a celebrity!
- [Voice over]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Wait a second...
- [Out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Are you the Soup Nazi from 'Seinfeld'?
- Larry: No.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...Say the soup thing.
- Larry: No!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Dammit!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr. Cox
- [Dr. Cox looks up]
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why is your mouth red?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Duct tape, 2 hours in a morgue drawer, don't piss off the janitor, end of story.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
- Dr. Perry Cox: I can't imagine anything I care less about.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Damn these twisty bottoms, we need some more clicky tops.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Not gonna happen, Bob. Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?
- Dr. Perry Cox: No, Bob, everybody gets the same.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Fine.
- [sees a box of clicky top pens]
- Dr. Bob Kelso: I'll just take these.
- [reaches for pens, Dr. Cox knocks the pens off the counter]
- Dr. Bob Kelso: You just bought yourself four weekends on call! Damn twisty bottoms!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: You just said you don't care. Why are you fighting?
- Dr. Perry Cox: I can't stop.
- J.D.: [Voice-over] I guess the Soup Nazi was right, it is the little things that are important. Like when Elliot blows the bangs out of her face.
- [She does so]
- J.D.: Or how she's the only person I know who sneezes with her eyes open.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [doing so] Atchoo. Ahem. 'Scuse me.
- J.D.: [Voice-over] And that's when I realized that I really liked all those things about Elliot, but I didn't love them... and I didn't love her.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] I don't think my hang-up with Elliot has anything to do with my sexy, amazing mom. And I'm not that much of a commit-ophobe. Maybe I just don't feel I deserve someone as great as Elliot because I have low self-esteem.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Do you know that you have really nice hands?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [He lets go of her hand and outstretches his] NICE? Elliot, these are the hands of a god!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Heh!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] Fine, so it's not the self-esteem thing.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] Unfortunately for me, I wasn't in love with Elliot. But I'm a man, and even though it was gonna be tough, I knew exactly what I had to do.
- [Out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ready to go? I say we pick up some Chinese and hang at home tonight.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Awesome!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] I was going to stay with her for the rest of my life.