- Dr. Bob Kelso: See, this is why you shouldn't get emotionally invested in your patients.
- Dr. Cox: Hey, Bobbo... now when the Dark Prince does finally call you home, please promise me that you'll donate your body to science. And I don't mean medical science, I mean NASA. Because when those buzz-cuts have all but given up on trying to figure out just exactly what a black hole is, and they get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be, well, by gum, you know they're just gonna say, "Aww, shucks! That's what it is!"
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Hey, champ. What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?
- [points his thumbs at himself]
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Bob Kelso. How ya doin'.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: How'd you get Dr. Cox to like you?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [excited] Dr. Cox said he liked me?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: No, you're missing the point...
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I need to know three things immediately: Where was he when he said it, what inflection did he use, and had he been drinking? You know what, I don't care about the third one; sometimes when you've been drinking you're the most truthful.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Okay, look, I know Carla's gonna have her little pre-wedding panic attack, and what if she has her good ol' buddy Dr. Cox there to tell her what a jackass I am, huh? Then what?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You know what? I'm glad he was drunk.
- [Elliot and Carla treat Maggie, a patient who wants to loose her virginity before dying]
- Maggie: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
- Elliot: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like. Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
- Carla: Elliot, I think she means pay _money_ for sex.
- Elliot: Oh, I got a story about that, too. Not about me, though, my mom... She gets lonely.
- Maggie Himsel: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like.
- [demonstrates strange grim]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, I think she means pay money for sex.
- Dr. Perry Cox: About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to "crash for a while." Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment center, and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice... I don't even know anymore.
- Dr. Cox: Look. Barry... Barry's a... he's a great guy.
- Turk: Yeah. I totally forgot the rule to the transplant list is no drinking, unless Cox says you're a great guy.
- Dr. Cox: Come on, pally, guy's been on the transplant list for three stinkin' years - this is a no-brainer.
- Turk: You're right. He's out.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted's helping Maggie with her will.
- Maggie: Thanks again, Ted. How'd you get through sixty pages so quickly?
- Ted Buckland: Well, Miss Hibersol, it helps to not really know what you're doing.
- Maggie Himsel: There's really only one thing I'll regret. I'm thirty-eight years old and I'm a virgin.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Me too.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Sorry, sorry. It's just a reflex from college when I used to play the tambourine in a Christian rock band. Which was bull because everyone was sleeping with everyone.