- Dr. Perry Cox: You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps crying about how horrible his father was.
- J.D.: Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage. And from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger, and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand, but for now trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't care if today was the first time you ever even met your daddy. Because in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job. Okay?
- Simon Reid: [Fantasy scene: Kelso and Reid, Sr. are circling each other waving their fists, wearing old-school boxer clothes] I'm gonna open a fat can of whup-ass on you!
- Dr. Kelso: Bring it on, bitch!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] I think what surprised me the most is that I was actually surprised.