- J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do.
- Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?
- J.D.: Yes!
- Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
- J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
- [silence]
- Janitor: Dammit.
- Ted Buckland: Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ted, I know, you told me last time that you...
- Ted Buckland: [lead tenor] Legaaaaaal, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
- Randall: [bass] Ac-coun-tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
- Crispin: [baritone] Shipping and receiviiiiiiiiiing, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
- Roy: [high tenor] On-site property management including pest control, night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services, and tenant-related easements and liens.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Hey, you got promoted!
- Ted Buckland, Randall, Crispin, Roy: [in four-part harmony] It's about time. He's/I've been busting his/my hump around here for six years. Hmmm-mmm.
- Dr. Perry Cox: You see, for me sex is a sport. Like racquetball. You play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don't get hit in the eye.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Bob, as far as the whole intro thing goes, I've actually gone ahead and given it a great deal of thought, but I'm afraid I'm gonna very politely have to tell you to blow it out your ass.
- Jordan Sullivan: Good job, D.J.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You know, It's J.D. OK? And at least I remember the names of all MY sexual partners!
- Jordan Sullivan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are extremely impressed.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Camp Meadowood. I made a lanyard.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Grab me a doughnut, will ya?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, you mean like a, um, a blood pressure thingie?
- Dr. Perry Cox: I mean like a glazed thingie. And I like sprinkles on half of it; so if you can't find a half sprinkled, get me all sprinkles and just go ahead and pick half of 'em off.