- Dr. Christopher Turk: Couples therapy is killing me.
- Dr. Todd Quinlan: I don't know how you do it - make love with your lady in front of some old dude who's filming you?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: That's not couples therapy, Todd.
- Dr. Todd Quinlan: Then what did I do?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You did amateur porn!
- Dr. Todd Quinlan: [smiling] Sweet!..
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [about Dr. Perry Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: He doesn't have one.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Exactly! But what does he have?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Hey, Jake... so, you're probably rushing home to wipe the old person smell off before your trip, uh?
- Jake: Excuse me?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] No, I'm just kidding, I love old people. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell. I mean, it's nothing bad. It's like a... general mustiness... like... you know when... you get your cast... taken off and... skin mold...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh...
- Jake: Well, I have a flight to catch... you guys need me to sign anything?
- Dr. Perry Cox: No.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, you're good.
- Jake: OK, then.
- [walks away]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Hats off there, Barbie... that was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: You should have just asked him out. Men love that.
- Dr. Perry Cox: No, Carla, men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums, or when you drive so we can relax; and, as always, we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Look there... the only thing men care about as far as dating is concerned is the chase; if you want that guy to look your way, listen me carefully... ignore the living hell out of him.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do ya?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Dr Cox, I'm sure that you are fantastic at picking up men, really...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ah ah!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: ...but I can handle this one on my own. Thank you.
- Elliot: Dr. Cox, this is the most painful thing I've ever done and I was a cutter for a week in high school. My shop teacher thought scars were sexy, but that's a whole other story. The point is, your advice really worked with Jake and I'd really appreciate it if you would give me some more help.
- Dr. Cox: Oh, no problem Barbie, let me just finish writing this prescription and you'll be all squared away.
- [hands Elliot the prescription]
- Elliot: This is a prescription for 'no'.
- Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. To be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone.
- Elliot: I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men all together!
- Dr. Cox: Then on behalf of men everywhere-and I do mean everywhere
- [makes a circle with his hands]
- Dr. Cox: -including the ones in the little mud huts, let me be the first to say thanks and yalleluah!
- Carla: Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to it's human side?
- Elliot: He doesn't have one.
- Carla: Exactly. But what does he have?
- Elliot: [grudgingly] A shaped chest, a closet full of tiny t-shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
- Dr. Cox: Ohhhhhh! I'm sorry, the correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego.
- [nodding]
- Dr. Cox: I have a giant ego!
- Elliot: Dammit! I knew that.
- Carla: Can you just appeal to it so I can go get something to eat?
- Elliot: You're... amazing.
- Dr. Cox: And I'm in!
- Elliot: [makes a happy noise]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie. Go get him! I... believe in you?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Nnnno, you don't. You just want me to go and embarrass myself so you can laugh at me! Just like the time you told me the hospital fund-raiser was a costume party! I walked into a black-tie dinner dressed as Clarence Thomas... .
- Dr. Perry Cox: I was in a costume, too.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: You... wore an Armani tux.
- Dr. Perry Cox: I went as someone who doesn't make a fool out of himself. How'd you not get that?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Just go, Jake! No one here knows your last name -- if anything happens, he'll never be able to find you. Go enjoy your little rafting thing in New Zealand -- which, incidentally, is ten thousand miles EAST of Australia, and famous for alcoholism and clam chowder. I've been brushing up on my New Zealand.
- Jake: You've been brushing up on New England.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Kelso reassigns a doctor on the whiteboard] Dr. Kelso, you can't do that.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: I didn't. Your friend Turkleton did. And I can do whatever I want.
- [Doodles a curly marker mustache on J.D. and laughs]
- Dr. Bob Kelso: You look ridiculous.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [He leaves, Turk enters] I thought we were doing mustaches on Sunday?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I didn't do this, Kelso did!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You invited Kelso to Mustache Sunday?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Can you believe this guy?
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Son, look around. There's an old man with Alzheimer's who no one bothers to come visit. This morning I had a chat with a woman who refuses to stop using cocaine even though she's six months pregnant. And just last week I saw an older woman fall and break her hip because some guy was too busy to hold the door open for her!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sir, you laughed and pointed when she fell.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: I didn't say it wasn't funny; I just said it happened.
- Jake: I can't believe this is happening.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Everything's gonna be fine, you just trust me.
- Ted: [Ted arrives] Is that him?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yes. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.
- Ted: Mark my words, Jake! We're gonna take every last cent you have!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no, Ted, we're on his side.
- Ted: [Pulling something from his jacket] Oh. Here's my card.
- Jake: This is a Post-It.
- Ted: I don't get real cards until I win a case.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Go take a nap, Ted.
- Jake: [Ted leaves] He spelled "attorney" wrong.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Takes the Post-It] "Buy Groceries. Kill Self."
- Jake: Buddy, you would not believe the day I'm having.
- Janitor: Quiet, jackass. What'd you say to Elliot to make her run off like that? 'Cause if you hurt her...
- Jake: I didn't say anything! Everyone around here is crazy.
- Janitor: That's not true. Let me put down my bag of rats and explain something to you.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] Still, finding an apartment has not been easy.
- [Out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm so sorry about your father. I'm sure he lived a wonderful life at...
- [reading chart]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: 14 Maple Drive, Apartment 4B. Was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and dryer in his unit while he was alive?
- [the couple leaves]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ever mention any hot neighbors?
- Janitor: [Panting, after chasing a group of rats] They're smart, they are organized... and they've got my keys!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Look, this woman is alone, she's depressed, and for some reason she feels like she's connected with you.
- Jake: Look, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't know what to say.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's great! Keep it light! Open with a joke, and before you know it you and your raft will be on a four-hour trip to New Zealand!
- Jake: No, it's more like fourteen hours.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] Oh no. You're dangerously close to revealing that geography is your Achilles heel. Say something smart to regain credibility.
- [Out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Vasovagal syncope is mediated by the autonomic nervous system. And Betty needs you, pal. She does! Come on, do it. You'll feel good, trust me.
- Jake: Trust you? You don't even know where New Zealand is.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You can dance your way there from Old Zealand.
- Jake: You an idiot?