Scrubs (TV Series)

My Day at the Races (2006)

Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian

Quotes 

• J.D. : As for me, I could overcome any obstacle, as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs beneath me.

• J.D. : Elliot, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.

  Elliot : Why don't you just move into my place?

  J.D. : Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.

• Elliot : How's it goin'?

  J.D. : Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish. Why are you here?

  Elliot : Can I talk to you about Jake?

  J.D. : It's a dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.

  Elliot : Yeah, anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner together.

• Elliot : This Jake thing is still really bothering me.

  J.D. : Elliot, you know our rules.

  Elliot : Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Who wants to have a superficial friendship? I mean, God, do you remember how close we used to be? Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed-up families, talking about everything? I miss that.

  J.D. : This is working.

  Elliot : Not for me! I wanna be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out.

  J.D. : Well, if he freaked you out, why don't you go talk to him?

• J.D. : All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?

  Elliot : You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.

• J.D. : They say that, in life, all good things must come to an end.

• Carla : Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us so get your crap out by Friday.

  J.D. : Friday? Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.

  Carla : Whose place?

  J.D. : Your place. Look I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I've got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.

  Carla : Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.

  J.D. : It's a Mexican themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. That means I'm turning thirty. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking, ocho-thirty until upside down question mark. Sombreros at the door. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooh!

  Turk : I'll be there.

  J.D. : Gracias, amigo.

  [to Carla] 

  J.D. : I borrowed one of your dictionaries.

• J.D. : [Voice over]  A wise man once said the human spirit can overcome any obstacle.

  [...] 

  J.D. : That man had obviously never run a triathlon.

• Carla : JD, you have to get out, this place is tiny. And I'm sick of seing your manpanties hanging all over the bathroom.

  J.D. : They're called boxers, Carla.

• Carla : Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us, so get your crap up by Friday.

  J.D. : Friday?

  Carla : Friday!

  J.D. : Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.

  Carla : Whose place?

  J.D. : Your place. Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I already got 2 e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.

  Carla : Babmi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.

• J.D. : That's it! I'll do the triathlon!

  Carla : Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons!

  J.D. : Well, I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either, Carla. And yet if it wasn't for a certain harshly-worded cease and desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.

  Carla : You're not serious about this, are you?

• J.D. : I've done nothing - I mean I did learn another language but it was just that one where you just put a b-sound in the middle of every single word... and I was never fluent.

  Turk : That secret language was so lame!

  J.D. : Nobba with the ladie-bb-ys!

• J.D. : Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.

  Dr. Doug Murphy : It's a slow day in the morgue. Nothing is written in stone.

  J.D. : You wrote a time of death.

  Dr. Doug Murphy : I wrote one-ish.

  J.D. : Get outta here!

• J.D. : Hey, remember when we were in college we made lists of all the stuff we wanted to do by the time we turned 30?

  Turk : Yeah.

  J.D. : Check it!

  Turk : [He shows Turk his list. Turk reads it aloud]  Things to do by 30: Get married, buy a house, learn the difference between "Senator" and "Congressman." Dude, you haven't done any of these yet.

• Elliot : We have a very complicated past.

  J.D. : I hurt her and I'm not very proud.

  [Voice over] 

  J.D. : I'm a little proud.

• Turk : Dude, you haven't done anything on this list. How could you never have slept naked on a hammock?

  J.D. : I'm afraid of dragonflies.

• J.D. : [Riding his bike in low gear, furiously pedaling]  Talking to you violates the two most important tenets of our relationship. One, keep discussions superficial and two, no talking while my boys are straddling chrome. That one's new.

  Elliot : Why don't you just try a higher gear?

  J.D. : [Elliot reaches over and shifts gears on J.D.'s bike]  Agh! It's like pedaling in hummus!