- Martha Stewart: Barbara, if I were a man, people would be applauding my behaviour, not trying to put me in jail.
- Barbara Walters: If you were a man, I'd be all over you like butter on beans. But you are not a man, you are a woman. And a hateful one at that.
- Chris Parnell: [about Andy Roddick] Well in all fairness, he's never done sketch comedy before.
- John McEnroe: Hey, I've never had sex with Beyoncé Knowles before, but if I got the chance I wouldn't choke up like this kid.
- Chris Parnell: Point taken.
- Jimmy Fallon: A hunter in France who kept a loaded shotgun in the back seat of his car was shot, when one of his dogs stepped on the trigger. It appears to be an accident, but the man swears that just before the gun went off, his dog said: Fetch this, mother-
- [gun shot sound effect]
- Tim Calhoun: Here's where I stand on the issues: I'm glad that drunk driving is illegal. When I'm drunk, I drive like crap!
- Woman: I will break every bone in your body.
- Merv the Perv: I'd like to break in your bod with my boney!