- Father: [having just seen his daughter on a promo for Girls Gone Wild] We did not send you to college for that! You can pay for college yourself with the money you made off of that tape!
- Daughter: Well, I didn't get any money off that tape.
- Father: Well good going, Einstein! Someone else gets rich off of you showing off your coconuts.
- James Lipton: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
- Drew Barrymore: Um... a knife maker.
- James Lipton: What profession would you absolutely not like to participate in?
- Drew Barrymore: Um.. I wouldn't want to burn monkeys.
- James Lipton: Nor they you.
- Tina Fey: The producers of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" are reportedly talking with Britney Spears to get the singer to do a two-part guest appearance on the show. The two parts are above her waist and below her neck.
- Tina Fey: An entire school showed up at a George W. Bush rally in Dearborn, Michigan this week to complain to the governor that their building is unsafe and they lack books and teachers. A sympathetic Bush promised that if elected, he'll take care of the students the best way he knows how: by executing them.
- President Bill Clinton: Listen, America, I have felt your pain before and I feel it now. In the coming months I'm going to appoint a special council to look into the legality of the - of this 8-year term limit thing. I think there's some fudging we can do. Because if there's one thing I've learned, it's that our laws are like piñata, the more you beat 'em, the more candy you get.