- Miss Milo: Oh, dear, dear Vance, you will learn that in the theater, if you fly a pigeon of dismay over your producer's head, you'll be the one who is crapped upon.
- Weekend Update Anchor: This week in the former Soviet Union, an American engineer for a San Diego-based company was arrested and charged with spying for the United States. Russian authorities say he was caught attempting to smuggle out their secret formula for alcoholism and despair.