- Rita DelVecchio: No more kids getting beers for any adults! Okay! Okay! Any kid who can't walk a straight line by dinner gets my foot for dessert!
- Weekend Update Anchor: The FDA is considering approval of a new highly effective treatment for baldness. The drug, Propecia, has been shown in trials to grow thick, luxuriant hair. Although, there is a downside: it only works on ears, noses and backs.
- Mayor Rudy Giuliani: By the way, ehm... smoking that cigar in this building, is a violation of City Ordinance 3225A. I'm gonna have to ask you to please put it out.
- Joe Pesci: Well excuse me, Rudy, heh... but it is my show. Heh, heh, heh.
- Mayor Rudy Giuliani: Excuse me, Joe, but it's my city.