- Weekend Update Anchor: A new paperback book released this week compiled 1001 pick-up lines used in bars. The two lines used most frequently were "What's your sign", which is one of my favorites, and "Don't I know you from somewhere?". The two lines that very rarerly worked were "Gee, you have really small breasts" and "Aren't you my cousin?".
- Weekend Update Anchor: Queen Shenequa, you're not your regular happy self. What's the matter?
- Queen Shenequa: Well Kevin, there's a woman that's been in the news that I've always worshipped, and now I got a bone to pick with her. And I don't wanna mention any names but her innitials are: Whoopi Goldberg.
- Adam Sandler: I'm Crazy Teabag Mouth. And I do believe I want some candy. Look at my mouth: there's a damn teabag growing out of it. I don't know about you, but to me, that's crazy. So how about you give me some candy, or at least a glass of hot water to dip into.
- Adam Sandler: I'm Crazy Pickle Moustache! I was given this name because I have a pickle for a moustache. Most people have hair for a moustache, but not me. I have a damn pickle.