- Castaway: [narrating while writing in his diary] Day 143. It's been almost a month since Pat arrived on the island. We have had sex 8 times, but I still don't know what Pat is. Unfortunately, Pat doesn't like to have sex during the daylight hours.
- Weekend Update Anchor: Jimmy Carter was spotted signing books in a B. Dalton bookshop last week. Police promptly arrested the hapless former President and charged him with defacing store property.
- Weekend Update Anchor: Well, Marilyn Quayle annnounced this week that she would begin practicing law again, as it seems doubtful that her husband will ever work again.