- Santa Claus: Harry, here's a list of who's been naughty and who's been nice.
- Hanukkah Harry: Hmm.
- [takes a look at the list]
- Hanukkah Harry: Hmm... Brad Anderson, naughty. Well now what'd he do that was so bad?
- Santa Claus: His parents had some company over and he spoke when he wasn't spoken to.
- Hanukkah Harry: What? What is with you people? What, is that a crime? He's a kid! Kids talk. I'll bring him a little something.
- Nadia Comaneci: Constantine is devoted to me. He respects and loves my mind, you see? Heh?
- Church Lady: I'm sure he also respects your ability to twist your body into a hot, sweaty little pretzel, ready to be smeared with man-mustard.
- Weekend Update Anchor: This week, to celebrate it's 50th anniversary, Ted Turner's Superstation broadcast the classic "Gone With the Wind". This time Turner racially colorized the film, so that the white actors became black and the black actors became white, confusing many who were seeing the movie for the first time.
- Andie MacDowell: [adressing her father during her monologue] So daddy, we just did a rehearsal, and I just wanted to let you know that I saw the show and I think that you ought... to-tonight that you ought to go to the kitchen, maybe and make a sandwich at eleven forty-one, and it should take about seven minutes to do it, and, yeah, and at twelve o four, it might be a good time to take the plate back to the kitchen and get a beer, and, listen, but there's a real pretty scene at twelve twenty-three, so, you don't have to leave, but you might just wanna turn down the volume... and that way, you know, everybody could talk about how pretty I look 'till about twelve twenty-eight.