- Johnny: Hi.
- Billie Frank: Hey there, you... guy.
- Johnny: You don't remember me?
- Billie Frank: No, no, no, I remember you. I just, I remember you with way more clothes on.
- Billie Frank: [voice-over] This is the story about me getting better. Although, according to most guys I was pretty damn good already.
- Tish Frank: Billie, this is an intervention. Your whole family - none of them could be here tonight - think it's high time that you take a look and do something about your drinking.
- Dave Parelli: I would have said more like a Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany's quality
- Billie Frank: I was going more for a Lee Remick in Days of Wine and Roses.
- Trudy Frank: I am *so* sorry your father and I had to miss the intervention, darling. But he had to get his prostate checked and I was getting a bikini wax. Was it fun?
- Billie Frank: Well, out of the three of us, I think Daddy had the best time.
- Billie Frank: I'm sure Tish told you all about the intervention.
- Trudy Frank: I never pay any attention to your sister-in-law, darling.
- Trudy Frank: You are the writer.
- Billie Frank: Aspiring. I mean, I haven't written anything in months.
- Trudy Frank: You see, dear, how original that you are an aspiring writer who doesn't write, and you have a drinking problem.
- Billie Frank: [on the phone with an actor] What do you mean you won't bite the heart? The name of the film is "Zombie Heart Eaters"! You know what? Bite it or bite me!
- Harve Schwartz: Except for the fact that I wanna sleep with you, I think of you as a daughter.
- Billie: Well, we're like family!
- Harve Schwartz: And yet not.