- Titus Pullo: [giving Vorenus advice on pleasing women] Oh yes, and right above her cunny, there's a button. Pay attention to that button and she'll go wild.
- Lucius Vorenus: [horrified] How do you know this of her?
- Titus Pullo: They ALL have it. Ask anyone.
- Gaius Octavian: They say that Caesar is a war criminal, and that he intends to march his army on Rome.
- Lucius Vorenus: That is sacrilege; no man of honour would follow him.
- Titus Pullo: Well I'm no man of honour then... cause I say Caesar should ride in here! With *elephants* - and squash Pompey *and* Cato *and* anyone else that wants it. That's what I say!
- Lucius Vorenus: That is because you govern your reason no better then you govern your tongue.
- Atia of the Julii: You. Leave this house this moment.
- Glabius: I will not! Octavia's my rightful wife.
- Atia of the Julii: You defy Caesar?
- Glabius: A fig for Caesar!
- Atia of the Julii: By the five Furies, if I was not a gentle woman, I would have you flayed, and hung from a bracket at the door!
- [Niobe brings a cup of mulled wine to the recovering Pullo]
- Niobe: Here, I put in extra nutmeg, like you like.
- Titus Pullo: Oh, marry me, divine goddess!
- Niobe: What, a porcine object like you? Besides, I'm already wed... thanks be to evil spirits.
- Titus Pullo: You're wrong, friend wife. He's a good man, your man.
- Pompey Magnus: Speak, young Marcus. What have you to tell us?
- Mark Antony: I have been delegated by Caesar to negotiate a compromise. Caesar wishes to avoid bloodshed. He wishes to be seen as a man of reason and probity. Therefore, when his present term as governor of Gaul has ended, he is willing to accept command of a single legion province. Illyria, by preference.
- Pompey Magnus: I don't understand.
- Mark Antony: Command of a province. So he will have legal immunity. And so that none of you rascals can go dragging him through the courts.
- Pompey Magnus: We're here to discuss the terms of Caesar's resignation. He could've avoided prosecution by accepting a few years' banishment.
- Mark Antony: [amused] Banishment for what?
- Porcius Cato: For fomenting a tyranny! Illegal warfare! Theft! Murder! Treason!
- Mark Antony: And what shall be your punishment, Pompey? For betraying a friend, for deserting the cause of your people, for allying yourself with these so-called "noblemen," what punishment for you?
- Pompey Magnus: Impudent whelp!
- Marcus Tullius Cicero: The man's term of office ends in two weeks.
- Mark Antony: We say six months.
- Pompey Magnus: Two weeks! He sits alone in Ravenna with one mutinous skeleton of a legion, and he dares to dictate terms to me?
- Mark Antony: Caesar has many more legions than the Thirteenth.
- Scipio: On the far side of the Alps.
- Mark Antony: Winter does not last forever. Spring comes, snows melt.
- Scipio: That's a threat!
- Mark Antony: [seriously] I assure you, it is no threat. Snows always melt.
- [Pompey thinks for a moment]
- Pompey Magnus: If he does not get a province?
- Mark Antony: Caesar will take all measures required to protect both his interests and those of the Republic.
- Pompey Magnus: I am grieved and surprised. I had hoped we would have a rational negotiation. If that is his last word, we shall go.
- [pause]
- Mark Antony: Then we have no more business.
- Lucius Vorenus: The republic should remain as it was at the founding of the republic, why should that change?
- Gaius Octavian: Because the Roman people are suffering, because slaves have taken all the work, because nobles have taken all the land, and because the streets are filled with the homeless and the starving.
- Titus Pullo: Here I come, girls! I'm gonna drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke and fuck every whore in the city.
- Lucius Vorenus: Show some dignity. You're under the standard.
- Titus Pullo: Well, talk to him!
- [Points toward Marc Anthony, who is having sex in uniform with a young girl alongside the road]
- Lucius Vorenus: He's not... under the standard.
- Titus Pullo: Three hours away from a wife he hasn't seen in eight years. The man's terrified.
- Gaius Octavian: Surely a reunion is a happy event.
- Lucius Vorenus: Talk of something else!
- Titus Pullo: What if she's lost her teeth? What if she's got skinny, or if she's been letting other men get between her legs?
- Lucius Vorenus: Silence!
- Gaius Julius Caesar: Soldiers! Pompey and the Senate have formally declared that Gaius Julius Caesar is an enemy of Rome. They have declared that I am a criminal. They have declared, in effect, that all of you *also* are criminals. Tribune's veto was not exercised. People's tribune Mark Antony and 50 men of the 13th were assaulted by 1000 head of Pompeian scum! A tribune of the plebs assaulted on the steps of the senate house. Can you imagine a more terrible sacrilege? Our beloved republic is in the hands of madmen. This is indeed a dark day, and I stand at a fork in the road. I can surrender my arms, in accordance with the law and watch Rome fall to tyranny and chaos. Or, I can return home *with my sword in my hand* and run these maniacs to the Tarpeian rock!
- Atia of the Julii: Well, this is a merry do. Octavia, my honey, look alive at least. Poor Antony must think himself dead and swimming in Lethe water. Talk to the poor man, ask him questions.
- [to Antony]
- Atia of the Julii: One would think she'd been raised by Germans.
- Octavia of the Julii: General Antony, does my mother's screaming irritate you?
- Mark Antony: Excuse me?
- Octavia of the Julii: When you and my mother are in coitus, there is a deal of screaming. I find it extremely irritating. I wondered whether you did also. Perhaps you like it. A testament to your skills.
- Atia of the Julii: So spiteful, and for what? You shame only yourself.
- [Octavia fakes a loud, obnoxious orgasm]
- Mark Antony: [to Atia] She has you exact.
- Atia of the Julii: Cicero!
- Marcus Tullius Cicero: My dear Atia. A pleasure. Forgive us for imposing at such a ludicrous hour.
- Atia of the Julii: Not at all, I adore it! The secrecy, the intrigue, it's most thrilling.
- Porcius Cato: Comprehend, woman: this meeting is invisible.
- Atia of the Julii: Be assured, Cato, I do not see you.
- [there is a knock at the door; Antony enters]
- Atia of the Julii: General Antony, we are...
- Mark Antony: Oh, gods, your beauty is painful. You are the crucifix of Venus.
- [he kisses her hand]
- Mark Antony: Let me die in your arms.
- Atia of the Julii: [giggling] 'Sist, Antony.
- Mark Antony: Good evening to you all.
- Porcius Cato: General Antony...
- Mark Antony: Tribune Antony, if you please.
- Porcius Cato: You are inside the sacred precincts of Rome, but yet you wear the bloody red cloak of a soldier.
- Mark Antony: [feigning surprise] Che brutta figura! It completely fell from my mind. I'm most extremely sorry. Will you forgive me, friend Cato?
- [he starts to remove his cloak]
- Mark Antony: Atia, please, will you take this and burn it?
- Marcus Tullius Cicero: That's not necessary.
- Mark Antony: Is it not? Oh, bene. Then let's stop all this blathering and get down to business.
- Porcius Cato: [offended] Blathering, you say?
- Atia of the Julii: [clapping her hands] What a congerie of heroes! Such vim. I feel like Helen of Troy. Would you adjourn to the courtyard?
- Pompey Magnus: Caesar is bluffing. He wishes to appear supremely confident. Evidently he is desperately weak, weaker than we thought. This is a last-ditch attempt to frighten us into making concessions while he still has the semblance of an army. He's weak, Cicero. Dying.
- Marcus Tullius Cicero: Is that not when all the proverbs tell us to be wary? Does not the dying serpent bite deepest?
- Gaius Julius Caesar: After all these years, Pompey surprises me. I had hoped to provoke some kind of aggression, sure, but to try and kill a tribune? In the Forum? The man's found some hard, black iron in his soul.
- [a dirty and bloody Antony slurps thirstily on a cup of wine]
- Mark Antony: I'm sure it was yon demented little worm Cato put him up to it.
- [he smacks his lips]
- Mark Antony: It's excellent, this. So, what next?
- Gaius Julius Caesar: Let's see what the men have to say.
- [Antony steps toward a basin of water to wash himself]
- Gaius Julius Caesar: Oh, don't do that! You look just right as you are. Like Leonidas at Thermopylae.
- Newsreader: By order of the Senate, Gaius Julius Caesar is declared an enemy of Rome. All good citizens are bound to do him harm, if they are able.
- [at the end of a long and tedious vigil]
- Priest: By grace of Roma, for twelve moons hence, thou art Tribune of Plebs.
- [Antony sighs in relief]
- Mark Antony: About time. I need a drink.
- Strabo: Indeed, sir. Perhaps AFTER the meeting?