Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Gunmen of the Apocalypse (1993)

Danny John-Jules: Cat

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rimmer : It's time we decided who's going to take the one-man escape pod.

  Cat : How?

  Rimmer : Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short, it's me. I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. But blow me, if it didn't come out as me again! Keys?

  Lister : Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.

  Rimmer : Why not?

  Lister : It escaped last Thursday. I was having a few beers, I couldn't be bothered moving so I used the release mechanism as a bottle opener.

  [mimes escape pod shooting off into space] 

  Lister : Whoosh!

• Rimmer : Scanners report a battle-class cruiser on intercept.

  Kryten : It's rogue simulants all right.

  Rimmer : Recommend immediate total and unequivocal surrender.

  Kryten : Sir, surrender is the worst thing we can do. They despise humans and all forms of humanoid life. They believe you to be the vermin of the universe, sir.

  Cat : [looking at Lister]  Didn't even know they'd met him!

• [they wake up in the cockpit] 

  Rimmer : How long have we been out?

  Lister : According to the navicom, three weeks!

  Kryten : That's strange, the drive interface has been upgraded. So have the engines.

  Rimmer : And if this readout's correct, we're armed. Laser cannons.

  Lister : They've totally upgraded the whole ship.

  Cat : They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat tilt control!

• Cat : I know this game, it's called cat and mouse. And there's only one way to win, don't be the mouse.

  Lister : What are you saying?

  Cat : I'm saying the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those lying cartoons.

• Cat : We don't run, we strike! It's the last thing they'll be expecting.

  Rimmer : No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the Bolero. And your plan makes about as much sense.

• Cat : You're going to go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What happens if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it!

• Jimmy : [Lister has pinned him to the wall with his throwing knives]  Frank, Luke, line his lungs with lead!

  [the saloon customers all take cover. The Cat slowly steps foward] 

  Jimmy : Who in the heck are you?

  Cat : [Mexican accent]  They call me the kid. The Riviera Kid.

  [he does a quick flamenco dance] 

  Jimmy : Well, Riviera Kid, let's see if your shootin's as fancy as your dancin'.

  [In slow motion, Frank and Luke draw their pistols and fire. The Cat draws his two pistols and fires back. A close-up of two bullets landing on the floor. Cat smoothly twirls his pistols, holsters them and folds his arms] 

  Jimmy : He shot the damn bullets out of the air!

• Rimmer : OK, long range scanners are down, the only early warning we've got is you. Stay alert.

  Cat : OK, bud. I'll keep my nose peeled.

• Cat : [about Kryten]  Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him? Somehow turn ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream? Isn't there some sort of gizmo lying around that some place can do that? And if not...

  [smacks table] 

  Cat : WHY not?

  Rimmer : Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion, but I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.

  Lister : No, no, no.

  [ponders for a moment] 

  Lister : I think he's got something.

  Cat : Twice in one lifetime? When you're hot, you're hot!

• Simulant Lieutenant : Incoming.

  [on the screen appears Lister's upside-down mouth and jaw with an eyeball stuck on his chin and his neck hidden by a black sheet, so he looks like some kind of weird creature] 

  Lister : I am Tarka Dal, an ambassador of the Great Vindalooian Empire.

  Simulant Captain : Our scanners reported human life on your vessel. Is this so?

  Lister : Humans?

  [spits] 

  Lister : The Vindalooian people despise all humans. They are the vermin of the universe. Is that not right, Bhindi Bhaji?

  [the camera moves across to the Cat next to him, who has also been disguised in the same fashion] 

  Cat : You bet, we hate them! Scum, scum, scum, scum, scum!

  [he spits. The camera moves back to Lister] 

  Lister : The Vindalooian Empire has pledged to exterminate them all.

  [he licks his eyeball in a reptilian way]