- Capt. Ed Hocken: [reading file] Married, one child. That didn't work out, so he married a grown woman.
- Det. Frank Drebin: And you know Ed, what all this goes to show is that the only real dope is the one who sells it or buys it.
- [freezeframe as Norberg hits a nail into a column, causing the entire set to collapse during the end credits]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: [getting McBreen out of Frank's way so he can take over his job] You Nicky McBreen?
- Nicky McBreen: Yeah.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: You're under arrest.
- Nicky McBreen: For what?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Reproducing the accounts, pictures or descriptions of a major league baseball game without the express written consent of the commissioner.
- Nicky McBreen: Ok, so I taped a game.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: All right, let's go.
- [leads him away]
- Nicky McBreen: I had a few friends over, but I, but I, didn't charge them. All right, a couple of bucks a head.
- Ted Olson, Scientist: [having finally found drugs after completely taking apart a car] It was in the glove compartment.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [as Tony Dewonderful] Where do you live, lady?
- Lady in audience: Right here.
- Det. Frank Drebin: At the table? Where'd you put your car, in the coat room?
- [drum roll, audience laughs]
- [Frank knocks out a holdup man]
- Veronica: Say, that was nice work. You took a big chance doing that.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Well, you take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.
- Dick Clark: Johnny, some kids on the show yesterday mentioned a new kind of music, ska. You know anything about it?
- Johnny the Snitch: How should I know?
- [Dick Clark gives Johnny a dollar bribe]
- Johnny the Snitch: Nothing but a modern offshoot of reggae, updated white rock influences, definately upbeat. It'll never become really popular because even though they've made the back beat more conventional, it's still too exotic for mass acceptance.
- Dick Clark: Johnny, I also need some more of that secret formula enternal youth cream you have.
- Vic: [to Drebin] I've seen the greatest: Sinatra, Wayne Newton, Carl Yastrzemski, that was the greatest performance I've ever seen in my life.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [narrating] When I arrived at the morgue, my boss had already begun to investigate the physical evidence. As was our custom in such cases, we began to talk.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [telling dumb sister jokes as Tony Dewonderful] She was also dumb, she came in one time with a hot tarr on her hand and she said: "look what I almost stepped in".
- Det. Frank Drebin: [as Tony DeWonderful mingling with the audience] Where are you from, sir?
- Man #1: Milwaukee.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Hey! Why that's my home town.
- [to a woman]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Where are you from?
- Woman: Seattle.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Hey! Why that's my home town.
- [to another man]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Where are you from?
- Man #2: Chicago.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Hey! Why that's *your* home town.
- [Frank has gone undercover as a stand-up comic]
- Det. Frank Drebin: So the girl had come back from her honeymoon. She was alone, and her parents welcomed her with open arms. They said to her, "Delilah - hat gut gemacht!"
- [Audience laughs]
- Ted Olson, Scientist: Katie, why don't you run along now. Next week we'll learn why cows look forward to giving milk.
- Coroner: It's a typical four-fifteen.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Four-fifteen?
- Coroner: Yes, the body was found 415 feet from the car.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Well Frank, this case is all wrapped up. Veronica Rivers confessed to killing Joey Koldys and we've got her and Vic and the Frenchman on the dope smuggling rap.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Yeah, from now on they'll all be up there together in the Statesville prison.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Yep, along with Martin and Dutch and Lana, Thames and Sally Decker.
- Ted Olson, Scientist: So you see, Katy, objects get their shape from the arrangement of their molecules. If you apply force to these molecules their arrangement is altered, the shape of the object is changed. Now, did you bring me your Crying Judy doll?
- Katy: Here she is, Mr. Olson.
- [she hands the doll over]
- Ted Olson, Scientist: Alright, let's see what happens when we put Crying Judy in the trash compactor.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Hey what about me? I'm hot and ready to go.
- Vic: Looks like I got no choice. What's your name?
- Det. Frank Drebin: DeWonderful. Tony DeWonderful.