Police Squad! (TV Series)
The Butler Did It (A Bird in the Hand) (1982)
Leslie Nielsen: Det. Frank Drebin
Photos
Quotes
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Det. Frank Drebin : Is there a ransom note?
Capt. Ed Hocken : Yes. The butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding one million dollars.
Det. Frank Drebin : Why would the lab demand a million dollars?
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Det. Frank Drebin : [narrating] Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.
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Det. Frank Drebin : Evening. Is this 808 Garboniforus Road?
Det. Frank Drebin : [the butler turns Drebin's piece of paper right side up] Maple Street?
Thames : Yes sir, it is.
Det. Frank Drebin : I'm from Police Squad, I'd like to see Captain Hocken.
Thames : [takes Drebin's badge] Of course, Lieutenant, eh... Flebner.
Thames : [Drebin turns the badge right side up] Eh, Drebin. Do come in.
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Det. Frank Drebin : I was just going over the arraignment report. It looks like the butler Thames will be doing his serving from now on up in the Statesville prison.
Capt. Ed Hocken : Along with Martin, Dutch Gunderson, Lana and Sally Decker. Frank, when will people learn that crime doesn't pay?
Det. Frank Drebin : Well, I suppose if they do learn, we'll be out of a job.
[slaps Hocken's knee, they go into freeze frame]
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Det. Frank Drebin : Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter is close, we'll find her.
Warner : The lakefront? My God, do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack!
Det. Frank Drebin : That's not true. I've seen a picture of her, she's very attractive.
Capt. Ed Hocken : Maybe a little thin...
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Det. Frank Drebin : [searching for a Tuba store next to a filling station] Ed, you find anything?
Capt. Ed Hocken : No, nothing. Frank, we've been through hundreds of these.
[reading from yellow pages]
Capt. Ed Hocken : Acme Tuba, Tuba World, Tubas Are Us...
Al : [Wearing a Tuba City T-shirt] Can you take a phone call, Captain?
Capt. Ed Hocken : Not now, Al!
Capt. Ed Hocken : [continues reading] International House of Tubas, Tuba or Not Tuba, Tuba Legation. Ah, we've come to a dead end, Frank.
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Prisoner : [a prisoner has gotten loose and is holding the cops at gunpoint] I got the gun now! And I'm gonna kill all of you... one by one.
[Frank, oblivious, walks through a door, hitting the prisoner and knocking the gun from his hand; all the cops rush the prisoner and arrest him]
Capt. Ed Hocken : Good job, Frank!
Det. Frank Drebin : What?
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[Mrs. Burton starts crying over a failed ransom call trace]
Det. Frank Drebin : Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.
Capt. Ed Hocken : Mrs. Burton, what did he say?
Mrs. Burton : Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.
Capt. Ed Hocken : No. The kidnapper.
Mrs. Burton : He said he'll call us soon for the instructions for the money drop. And if we don't do what he says, he'll kill Terri.
[cries on her husband's shoulder]
Mr. Burton : Lt. Drebin, what do I do?
Det. Frank Drebin : Well, as I understand it, you're in the textile business.
Mr. Burton : I mean, I don't want the police involved in this.
Capt. Ed Hocken : Nah, we all got to work together to capture this kidnapper.
Mr. Burton : I'll pay whatever ransom is necessary to get Terri back.
Det. Frank Drebin : No, that would be giving into him. These people are emotionally unstable. Got a case like this, similar. Kidnappers cut the victim's ear off and send it to the family.
[Mrs. Burton shrieks in disgust]
Capt. Ed Hocken : So, you see, you've got to let us help you.
Det. Frank Drebin : Not the whole ear, of course. Just a peace of it.
[Mrs. Burton half sobs]
Capt. Ed Hocken : And if this whole thing blows over, we'll return Terri's ear, if she's still alive.
[Mrs. Burton starts sobbing]
Det. Frank Drebin : She's taking it hard.
Capt. Ed Hocken : Yeah. We'd better go, Frank. We'll leave Officer Nordberg here. If you need anything, just ask him.
Det. Frank Drebin : We'll be in touch.
[they start walking out, and approach Nordberg]
Capt. Ed Hocken : After we go, I want you to nose around.
Det. Frank Drebin : And keep an eye out for the ear.
Norberg : Yes, Sir.
[goes up to Mrs. Burton who is just beginning to wind down]
Norberg : Don't you worry, Mrs. Burton. When Terri's ear comes, I'll handle it.
[Mrs. Burton sobs again]
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Det. Frank Drebin : [holds up a cup] Coffee?
Warner : Yes, I know.