Photos
Quotes
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Nancy : Oh, Jez, I was wondering if you could sleep on the couch tonight. I'm on my way to see Metallica at Wembley Arena and I've taken a couple of E's so I'll gonna start feeling pretty horny soon, and if I meet somebody, which, um, you know, I probably will, we'll wanna come back and bone. So, I'll need the bed. Later.
Jeremy Usborne : [meekly] See you later.
Nancy : Oh, by the way, we need milk. Later, Mark.
Mark Corrigan : Uh, OK, later.
[she leaves]
Mark Corrigan : Metallica? Milk? Is everything all right?
Jeremy Usborne : [sheepishly] I had an affair with Toni by mistake and Nancy found out because I told her.
Mark Corrigan : Why?
Jeremy Usborne : Because of stupid honesty. And now we're going to stay married but apparentely our relationship is nothing more than a husk.
Mark Corrigan : A husk? That doesn't sound good.
Jeremy Usborne : Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?
Mark Corrigan : Honestly?
Jeremy Usborne : Quite honestly, not brutally honestly.
Mark Corrigan : Then... yeah, absolutely.
Jeremy Usborne : Cheers, mate.
Mark Corrigan : No problem, mate.
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Jeremy Usborne : Super Hans has taken four grams of coke to "relax" him for his speech.
Mark Corrigan : It didn't relax him?
[Jeremy opens a toilet cubicle door to reveal an extremely high Super Hans twitching inside]
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Nancy : Jez, I've got a biggie to ask you. Would you consider marrying me?
Jeremy Usborne : Yes!
Nancy : Obviously it wouldn't be a real wedding.
Jeremy Usborne : No? Oh right. Well, in that case... yes!
Nancy : See, it's just my visa's run out and the Home Office called. I mean, I know a couple of gay guys who'd be up for it but...
Jeremy Usborne : Oh Nancy, don't marry those gays. Marry me.
Nancy : Honey, you understand this would just be an administrative procedure, right?
Jeremy Usborne : Exactly. The happiest administrative procedure of our lives!
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Mark Corrigan : So... ladies and gentlemen, you'll forgive me, I haven't prepared a proper speech, but then perhaps that's appropriate since this isn't a proper wedding... or so the cynics may say. But I say to those cynics, listen cynics, this is the modern world and just because it's new and strange and unnerving doesn't mean it's not... brilliant. In Ancient Rome they had Cupid, in modern days it's the Home Office. Love is blind. That's not a joke about David Blunkett.
[a few people laugh]
Mark Corrigan : No seriously, I would never make that joke. So, I say to Jeremy and...
[to Jeremy]
Mark Corrigan : Where's Nancy?
Jeremy Usborne : Job interview, health club. It's a biggie.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, OK. I say to Nancy, good luck with the interview, and I say to Jeremy, good luck with the marriage. And I think the rest of us can unite in all saying "Two fingers to the cynics" and raising our glasses to true love.
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[they're doing tequila slammers]
Tony : Mate, aren't you gonna slam?
Sam : I don't drink, it's a Buddhist thing.
Jeremy Usborne : [to Super Hans] What's his name again?
Super Hans : Sam. Mate of Darren's.
Tony : Come on, it's a stag night. You've got to slam on a stag night. Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam!
[the others join in chanting "Slam!". Sam picks up his glass and slams it down far too hard on the table, shattering it and lacerating his hands]
Super Hans : Ouch. I'm thinking maybe Buddha wasn't too pleased.
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Toni : How is the Yank? She started spanking your plank again?
Jeremy Usborne : That's not terribly important really, Toni. You see, we're very much in love.
Toni : Jez, I've seen Love Story. I know how it ends, yeah? Here's a clue, somebody dies.
