Peep Show (TV Series)

Mark Makes a Friend (2003)

David Mitchell: Mark Corrigan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  If he hangs himself over this, I could put an orange in his mouth and say it was a fatal wanking accident.

• Jeremy Usborne : [Watching the music video for "Russians" by Sting]  Do you think he really wondered, Sting, if the Russians loved their children too?

  Mark Corrigan : No, it's a rhetorical question. You know, like "Can you feel the force?" or "Do they know its Christmas?"

  Jeremy Usborne : I'm not so sure. He really seems to be sincerely hoping that the Russians love their children too, which I think is a little bit patronising.

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Look at me, friends with a big black businessman like it's the most natural thing in the world. If he got accused of a crime he hadn't committed I could come to his aid.

• [At a sushi restaurant] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  This could be good, just like the old days. Play it cool, don't slag off Johnson, yet.

  Mark Corrigan : Johnson told me about it. Apparentely, according to Johnson, wasabi sauce is...

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, Johnson says, Johnson says! If you love Johnson that much, why don't you marry him?

  Mark Corrigan : Where did this come from all of a sudden?

  Jeremy Usborne : Why don't you actually screw him? I mean, since you clearly want to do that, why don't you?

  Mark Corrigan : Jeremy! Look, I've nothing against being gay, but I'm not and neither is Johnson. He's black, in case you hadn't noticed, which I expect you had.

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, so just because he's black, I have to like him? Do I? That's political correctness gone mad! Look, Mark, I'm sorry...

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Jesus, I'm probably just the sort of person who'd be gay and repress it even to himself!

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Don't screw up. No screw-ups. Got to impress.

  Johnson : So Mr Corrigan, we've examined your loan application and I just have one question for you. Are you a pathetic, worthless punk?

  Mark Corrigan : Er, well, no.

  Johnson : Oh, right. Because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippy parasite.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Oh, yes. Yeah, I like it.

  Johnson : Then I'm going to make you feel like you're a turkey fucker. Why? Because I'm the big man and you're a shitheel, right?

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Brilliant. That is just so spot on.

  [Johnson turns and it is revealed they are doing a role playing exercise in front of Mark's coworkers] 

  Johnson : Or, I could treat Mr Corrigan like a valued and respected customer, and we'd both end up winners. Isn't that right, Mr Corrigan?

  Mark Corrigan : Right. Absolutely! Dead right.

  [They shake hands and receive a round of applause] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Alan Johnson. I'm in love. I'm in love with you, Johnson.

• Mark Corrigan : I could have a little thing going there with Sophie actually.

  Johnson : Yeah? Well, my advice is keep it little.

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah?

  Johnson : Women. I mean, does a balance sheet ever come crying and saying that it needs some time to think about things? A business doesn't say it loves you then run off with a buddy. I mean, take a look at her, mate. Take a good, hard look at her. What do you see? What do you actually see in her, compared to, say, a supermodel like Gisele? Or any of the other supermodels?

  Mark Corrigan : She's... I think she's very... pretty.

  Johnson : Come on, look at her arse. Is that the best arse you're ever going to get? Do you stick on that arse? Come on, admit it. She's got a fat arse.

  [Mark hesitates] 

  Johnson : Say it!

  Mark Corrigan : Well, she's... Maybe it is a bit... nice, but in a sense...

• Mark Corrigan : I really need to pick up my laptop from the IT guy before Johnson gets here.

  Jeremy Usborne : I could... drive you.

  Mark Corrigan : What?

  Jeremy Usborne : Well, he gave you the keys.

  Mark Corrigan : No, he forgot the keys after the pub, then he called to put me in charge of the keys until such time as he reclaims the keys.

  Jeremy Usborne : It's probably an initiative test. Will you walk like some kind of stupid duck or will you drive like... Clarkson?

• Mark Corrigan : I'm 85% sure I'm straight.

• Sophie Chapman : Quite a seminar. You know Barbara went home crying.

  Johnson : Hey, I'm just a doctor, I didn't make the needles sharp.

  Sophie Chapman : It's not a wig, Alan, that's actually her hair.

  Mark Corrigan : You've got to admit, Soph, she was asking a lot of questions.

  Sophie Chapman : Yeah, well I just thought you two big kahunas should know.

  Johnson : Yeah, whatever.

  [Sophie walks off] 

  Mark Corrigan : See you!

  Johnson : Je-sus, some people. You point them to a lift and they're like "No thanks, I'm fine with the stairs."

• Sophie Chapman : Uh, Mark, I just wanted to say about the lift...

  Mark Corrigan : 8:15 sharp?

  Sophie Chapman : Yeah. It's just, the thing is, I forgot about Debbie's chair, the wheelchair.

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah?

  Sophie Chapman : Yeah, and I think it'll take up quite a bit of room. And Dave's been helping her, so I said to him...

  Mark Corrigan : I mean, I could... help.

  Sophie Chapman : Yeah... yeah, sure. It's just Dave's been... you know.

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, yeah. Totally. Absolutely.

  [voiceover] 

  Mark Corrigan : Dave's the saint. Nothing must unseat Dave.

• Mark Corrigan : But, the relocation thing, moving out on Jeremy... It feels a bit weird, Dad.

  [voiceover] 

  Mark Corrigan : Shit!

  Johnson : Sorry?

  Mark Corrigan : It feels weird, Daddio.

  [voiceover] 

  Mark Corrigan : Good save.

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Good old, unfriendly Mr Patel. Never says a word, whether you're buying cornflakes, fabric softener, or gay porn.

• [Mark watches a gay porn video] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  There's nothing to be afraid of. It was very popular with the Romans and they got a lot done.

• Johnson : Phony Tony, I call him. The thing about this government, it's all spin. It's all smoke and mirrors.

  Mark Corrigan : I totally agree, I couldn't agree more.

  Johnson : And the way he licks Bush's arse.

  Mark Corrigan : It's pathetic!

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  There's probably much less to worry about with gay sex. I mean, you know where you are with a cock.

• Mark Corrigan : [sitting in Johnson's BMW]  This doesn't feel right.

  Jeremy Usborne : This is so right.

  Mark Corrigan : But I can't drive.

  Jeremy Usborne : Yes, you can. All you have to do is believe. Driving is bullshit.

  Mark Corrigan : [starting the car]  Oh. My. God.

  Jeremy Usborne : Now, just very, very slowly take your foot off the clutch and just tickle the accelerator, OK?

  Mark Corrigan : OK... OK... OK. Look at me go! I'm driving! Look at me driving, Jez!

  Jeremy Usborne : You're driving! Very slowly in first gear.

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah! Oh yeah, come on! I'm driving! I'm Johnson! Driving is bullshit, I'm Johnson!