- Bailey Salinger: Hey, good. You're here. Add that to the pile and come on outside. There's, uh... There's no guests of honor, unfortunately, but got plenty of food.
- Sarah Reeves: I'm, um... I'm not gonna stay.
- Bailey Salinger: Why not? Why not? You're not still pissed off at me. You got the message I left, right?
- Sarah Reeves: Yeah.
- Bailey Salinger: Well, so then everything's cool between us. Will's gonna take over, you don't have to do anymore
- Sarah Reeves: God, would you stop talking about the stupid election?
- Bailey Salinger: Why? What is going on with you?
- Sarah Reeves: Did you really think that I was doing all of this because I'm so civic-minded? Or because I really care who governs the student body? Or that it matters to me whether it's me or Will who hangs your posters in the hallway? God, I did it because I'm in love with you, you jerk!
- [he's stunned and doesn't say a word]
- Sarah Reeves: Feel free not to say anything.
- [she leaves]
- Justin Thompson: [Justin comes and says to Bailey] What bit you?
- [Claudia is reading Charlie and Kirsten's note saying they eloped to Reno]
- Claudia Salinger: This is a joke. Right?
- Julia Salinger: We found it on the fridge this morning. I guess none of us heard them leave.
- Bailey Salinger: What was their big hurry? Huh? I mean, it's not like she wouldn't sleep with him until they were married.
- [he takes the note and throws it to garbage]
- Bailey Salinger: To hell with you, Charlie. To hell with both of you.
- Julia Salinger: How could they do this to us? It's like they couldn't even bother to stop to think that maybe this matters to us. This is... I mean, it's not like, Hey, we're going grocery shopping. Wanna come with us? This is our brother's wedding.
- Bailey Salinger: And you'd think at least, at the very least, they would be honest with us.
- Claudia Salinger: See if I ever talk to them again.
- Julia Salinger: Claud?
- Claudia Salinger: [saddened] Forget it. I'm not. I wanted to be there. I wanted to watch them say all that mushy stuff. And I wanted to play the wedding march and for us to throw rice, and maybe you'd catch the bouquet. I wanted to watch them dance. I wanted to dance. It's always sad stuff. We're always together for the sad stuff. Just once... why couldn't we be together for something happy?
- [last lines]
- [Dudley presents Charlie and Kirsten to all the guests, and crowd applauds]
- Dudley: [to the crowd] All right. Okay. Hold it down. Excuse me. Pardon me. False alarm. Thank you. False alarm. They didn't do it. If you can stop yapping for a second, I'd like to propose a toast to the non-newlyweds since I'm Charlie's second-best man.
- Bailey Salinger: Here you go.
- Dudley: Before I do, uh, anybody here who think that Kirsten is too good for Charlie, please raise your hand.
- [several people raise their hands]
- Charlie Salinger: [to Dudley] Oh, shut up.
- Dudley: [jokingly, to Kirsten] Sweetheart, tell me, do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into? Have you given this any thought?
- [Charlie and Kirsten laugh, and Dudley proposes the toast]
- Dudley: To Charlie and Kirsten!
- [the happy couple share a kiss, and everybody toast, including Bailey and Claudia, while Julia looks at Griffin]
- [Charlie arrives to the room where Kirsten is trying Diana's wedding dress]
- Charlie Salinger: Kirsten, where's my... Man! I can't look, or we'll have bad luck, right?
- [he closes his eyes]
- Kirsten Bennett: Oh, I think we're way past that.
- [the dress is too big for her]
- Charlie Salinger: [chuckles] It's not a perfect fit, huh? They can take that hem out, right?
- Kirsten Bennett: If you say another word about this dress, I'm gonna have to kill you.
- Charlie Salinger: Can I do something for you?
- Kirsten Bennett: When I was little, I would take one of my Dad's white shirts and put it on my head like a veil. I would make believe our driveway was the aisle. I would pick flowers for my bouquet. I've dreamt about my wedding day for years, except it wasn't like this! I didn't look like the Land of the Giants. My parents still talked to me. And for the reception, we were in a ballroom, Charlie, a ballroom! Not in a Naugahyde booth!
- Charlie Salinger: Kirsten
- [he tries to hold her]
- Kirsten Bennett: Don't touch me!
- Charlie Salinger: Okay, all right, obviously this matters to you, so we will figure out another way to do the wedding.
- Kirsten Bennett: No, no, no! These are signs.
- Charlie Salinger: Signs? What are you talking about?
- Kirsten Bennett: God is trying to tell us something.
- Charlie Salinger: God?
- Kirsten Bennett: Or somebody. Look. I'm getting a twitch in my eye, right there.
- Charlie Salinger: So you're a little anxious.
- Kirsten Bennett: A little anxious? A little anxious? I'm gonna need a straitjacket! Hey, why don't I wear one of those! It's white! It's classic! And it would have to fit me better than this!
- [she returns to the closet]
- [Charlie and Kirsten sneak out through the dinning room, leaving a note in the fridge for the siblings]
- Kirsten Bennett: They're gonna be so mad at us.
- Charlie Salinger: You said it yourself. This isn't about them. It's about you and me.
- Kirsten Bennett: But it seems so criminal, sneaking out this way.
- Charlie Salinger: I think it's sexy. Anyway, we're gonna be back in time for Dud's party.
- Kirsten Bennett: I don't know.
- Charlie Salinger: Kirsten, I would marry you in the window at Macy's. I would marry you on a bus, whatever it takes so that we are together and you do not have one more second of aggravation over this.
- [sighs]
- Charlie Salinger: So let's get going, Mrs. Salinger-to-be.
- [she gives him a dubious look]
- Charlie Salinger: Bennett-Salinger?
- Kirsten Bennett: We'll negotiate.
- Charlie Salinger: Okay. Come on. We don't wanna miss our flight.
- [Charlie and Kirsten are confronted by the siblings after they eloped to Reno]
- Bailey Salinger: What, did you think we wouldn't mind?
- Claudia Salinger: I don't care what you have to say.
- Kirsten Bennett: Claudia, please.
- [she stops Claudia and Julia from leaving]
- Kirsten Bennett: We need you too.
- Claudia Salinger: Okay, I think I speak for the group here. Kirsten and Charlie, oh, and take this in the spirit of which it's intended. You guys are major creeps!
- Bailey Salinger: You run off. You leave us a note?
- Claudia Salinger: Yeah, I mean, you ruined all our plans.
- Charlie Salinger: Guys, we didn't do it.
- Kirsten Bennett: We didn't get married.
- Bailey Salinger: What?
- Claudia Salinger: It was a joke?
- Kirsten Bennett: No. We were going to. We got all the way to Reno.
- Charlie Salinger: We found a 24-hour chapel, and, uh, we waited. And then it was our turn. So we, uh, we walked up this ratty aisle. And this justice of the peace... Man, he looked like somebody right out of Mayberry. And he starts off the way they usually do, "Dearly beloved." And we looked around, and there was nobody there. Just some guys in polyester tuxes and women in shiny dresses waiting for their turn. And it's like... I never even thought about that expression until that second. "Dearly beloved." That's you. Only you weren't there. That's really, I mean... So we couldn't. So we didn't.
- Kirsten Bennett: So we left. I hope you're still free the third weekend in November.
- Claudia Salinger: [smiling] I think we can clear our schedules.
- Dudley: [Dudley appears and says to the couple] You wimps. I knew you couldn't go through with it. Jeez, now I gotta go spring for another present. Come on. Get your butts outside, there's a party goin' on.