- Margaret: It's called "trust", Millicent. You should try looking it up in the dictionary some time; it's next to "trollop".
- [first lines]
- Victor Meldrew: The absolute limit that was. You wouldn't believe that anyone could pick their nose all the way through 'Dances with Wolves', would you? Three and a half hours I had to sit next to that. And always the right nostril; he never touched the left one. Always the one at *my* side! You'd think he was digging the channel tunnel. Really. Come on, what's the matter? I'm ruddy freezing out here.
- Margaret Meldrew: It won't turn! It's jammed again, bloody thing!
- Victor Meldrew: You're joking, surely. Here, give it here. I managed it this morning by jiggling slightly to the... Little bugger! Turn for God's sake!
- Margaret Meldrew: Two hundred and sixty pounds we paid for this. A complete set of new locks so secure that even we can't get in! Good old Yellow Pages.
- [last lines]
- Victor Meldrew: There aren't many wives who'd forgive me for going round to her house in the first place, even just to watch football.
- Margaret Meldrew: Wouldn't they?
- Victor Meldrew: I mean, at least we're a bit more mature than that.
- Margaret Meldrew: Yes.
- [Victor screams in pain]