NCIS (TV Series)
Caught on Tape (2005)
Sean Murray: Timothy McGee
Photos
Quotes
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[McGee's hands and face are covered with poison ivy]
Special Agent Timothy McGee : What I don't understand is how it got all over my face.
Dr. Donald Mallard : It's the urushiol oil in the plant, McGee. Once it gets on your hands, it spreads to anything it comes in contact with.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : Well... then I have a major problem, Ducky.
Dr. Donald Mallard : Hmm?
Special Agent Timothy McGee : When I was out there, I had to... you know...
Dr. Donald Mallard : No, I don't.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : Relieve myself.
Dr. Donald Mallard : Oh.
[realizing]
Dr. Donald Mallard : Oh... well, uh, let's take a look, then.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : [unbuckles his pants] This is, uh, this is kind of embarrassing...
Dr. Donald Mallard : I'm a doctor, McGee. I have seen everything there is to see more times than I care to remember.
[McGee drops his pants]
Dr. Donald Mallard : Good lord.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : What? What, is it bad?
Dr. Donald Mallard : No, no, it's fine. Nothing to worry about. I didn't expect to see quite so much... swelling.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : If Tony finds out about this, I'm gonna have to quit.
Dr. Donald Mallard : Well, your secret is safe with me.
[Jimmy enters]
Jimmy Palmer : Doctor, I've got the new evaluation forms you req...
[He trails off as he takes in the scene]
Jimmy Palmer : I'll come back.
[Jimmy leaves]
Dr. Donald Mallard : Him I'm not so sure about.
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Agent Caitlin Todd : Sergeant William Moore, transferred from Camp Lejune to Quantico two months ago. He was serving as an EI for all newly commissioned Marine officers.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : EI?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : "Enlisted Instructor", probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : Uh, what did he teach, Kate?
Agent Caitlin Todd : Well, according to his records, uh, MOUT.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : MOUT stands for military operations
Special Agent Timothy McGee : [interrupting] Yes, I know what it stands for, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Well excuse me for trying to help junior agents.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : Trust me, when I, uh, need help, you'll be the first person I ask. Where Gibbs or Kate is.
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[McGee has a livid rash covering half his face]
Special Agent Timothy McGee : So... honestly, how do I look?
Abby Sciuto : Um, do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to ease the burden of your own self-loathing?
Special Agent Timothy McGee : I'd prefer the lie.
Abby Sciuto : Me, too. You're the fairest in the land, McGee.
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Agent Caitlin Todd : These are the last two people to have seen the Staff Sergeant alive: his best friend, and his wife. Do you think that either or both of them could have murdered the staff sergeant?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Well, it is kind of weird, a single guy hanging out with a married couple.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : I agree.
Agent Caitlin Todd : Why is that weird?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Well, because he's a single guy who hangs out with married people.
Agent Caitlin Todd : I do that all the time.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Yeah, but you bring a date, right?
Agent Caitlin Todd : Not always.
[Tony and McGee trade a look]
Agent Caitlin Todd : What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Well, who usually invites you?
Special Agent Timothy McGee : The man or the woman?
Agent Caitlin Todd : I don't know... I guess, usually the guy.
[Another look]
Agent Caitlin Todd : Okay, for your information, a lot of my friends are from the Secret Service, and most of them happen to be men.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Well, what about your girlfriend who called you yesterday?
Agent Caitlin Todd : Well, Deb is married to one of my buddies, Rick.
[Tony and McGee start to snicker]
Agent Caitlin Todd : Okay, so what you're saying is that all of my married, male friends secretly want to sleep with me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Pretty much.
Agent Caitlin Todd : That's very mature, Tony. And for your information, men and women *can* just be friends. Isn't that right, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee : Technically.
Agent Caitlin Todd : What do you mean, "technically?"
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : He means, she'd have to be pretty ugly first.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : [as he and Tony both crack up laughing] Wait, wait, I didn't say that...