My Family (TV Series)

The Unkindest Cut (2001)

Kris Marshall: Nick Harper

Quotes 

• Nick Harper : Oh my God, you have a mistress. How continental.

  Ben Harper : I do not have a mistress.

  Nick Harper : Ah, denying it, how British.

• Ben Harper : What are you doing?

  Nick Harper : I'm boning a haddock!

  Ben Harper : [Tries to walk away] 

  Nick Harper : Hey, where are you going? Come and sit! You notice you never seem to be able to sit around and talk?

  Ben Harper : Notice? I thank God for it every day! I know I may regret asking this, Nick, but why are you doing that at two in the morning?

  Nick Harper : Because if I did it when mum was awake, she'd try and take over.

  Ben Harper : Believe me, Nick, your mother would take over even in her sleep!

• Nick Harper : Everything I learned about being a man, I learned from you.

  Ben Harper : What are you talking about? I'm a terrible father. Huh! I don't even know what I'm doing here. Everything I say is wrong.

  Nick Harper : Nah, it's not true. You give me great advice. Remember that time we went camping when I was little, and I set the tent on fire? You said to me: "Nick, you can't ever learn anything in life without screwing up once in a while."

  Ben Harper : I never said that. I said "Nick, just for once, can't you ever learn anything without screwing up?"

  Nick Harper : You're right - you are a terrible father!

• Nick Harper : Did you get my shiitake mushrooms?

  Ben Harper : No, I did not get your shiitake mushrooms, Nick! They were too expensive! I got you plain mushrooms instead!

  Nick Harper : How do you expect me to be a four-star chef with one-star fungus?

  Ben Harper : I don't. I expect you try this latest career of yours until the first hint of frustration and then you throw up your hands and move on to some other hair-brained scheme.

  Nick Harper : I can't help it if I'm eclectic.

  Ben Harper : You what?

  Nick Harper : Eclectic. I'm interested in everything.

  Ben Harper : Meaning you have the attention span of a gnat.

• Nick Harper : What's this? You can afford £12 on an early pregnancy test, but you can't afford an extra 75p for mushrooms? I can't work under these conditions!

  Ben Harper : [Walks away with pregnancy test] 

  Nick Harper : [pause, then realises someone may be pregnant]  Who's pregnant?

• Janey Harper : [after Nick told her Susan might be pregnant]  Oh, come on! There's got to be some mistake!

  Nick Harper : Remember their last mistake?

  Michael Harper : [after Nick and Janey look at him]  What?

  Nick Harper : I'm sorry, mate! I didn't want to have to tell you this way!

  Michael Harper : Well, you didn't have to tell me at all!

• Nick Harper : Can you imagine mum and dad having sex?

  Michael Harper : No!

  Janey Harper : I can't imagine why they'd even want to! Just look at them!

  Nick Harper : Yeah, well, the eyesight's going!

  Janey Harper : Ugh! Gross! They're well past their sex-by date! Michael just scraped in under the wire!

• Michael Harper : I think it's good they're having another baby. Maybe you'll stop picking on me!

  Nick Harper : Don't worry, Michael. That'll never happen.

  Janey Harper : Trust me, Mike. It's never good. Think about it. Baby food, pushchairs, nappies - those things don't come cheap! Where do you think the money comes from?

  Michael Harper : Don't know.

  Janey Harper : Your allowance - that's where!

  Michael Harper : I hadn't thought of it that way.

  Janey Harper : Ugh! Listen, I've been through this before. It isn't pretty!

  Nick Harper : I think this baby could be pretty cool. It's the perfect distraction. While they're busy with the sprog, we can do whatever we want. All we have to do is keep that baby crying.

• Ben Harper : What's for dinner?

  Susan Harper : Duck a l'orange. Nick's making it.

  Nick Harper : No, I'm not paying you to gab! How are those carrots coming?

  Susan Harper : Nick, could we have a minute?

  Nick Harper : But the duck's almost ready! And ze duck waits for no one!

  Susan Harper : Out!

  Nick Harper : Very well! I can see my head chef's hat means nothing to you!

• Nick Harper : Just a little something special I whipped up for you.

  Ben Harper : Yeah?

  Nick Harper : Custard topped with cinnamon.

  Ben Harper : Wahey!

  Nick Harper : Try it.

  Ben Harper : My God, if I'd known I was going to get this attention, I'd have had this done years ago - like nine months before we had you! Hahaha! Wow, this is delicious!

  Nick Harper : This is your bill.

  Ben Harper : What? £50?

  Nick Harper : Well, I took the liberty of adding a 15% gratuity.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, would you take the liberty of ripping it up for me?