The Muppet Show (TV Series)

Twiggy (1976)

Jim Henson: Kermit the Frog, Rowlf the Dog, Waldorf, Muppet Newsman, King Rupert the Second, Mary Louise, Hillbilly Singer

Quotes 

• Kermit the Frog : Uh, look Scooter, we're kind of busy right now but we'll keep our eyes open. I mean, seriously, I think you've been using your imagination too much. If there's a Phantom of the Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle.

  Wanda : [screaming]  Help, there's a phantom in the dressing room!

  [faints] 

  Kermit the Frog : Anybody got a banana?

• Statler : Every week this show looks better to me.

  Waldorf : Every week your eyesight gets worse.

• Uncle Deadly : You muppets have taken over my theatre. My home. Years ago, I was a great actor, a star. In this very theatre. My Hamlet was acclaimed as the greatest ever. And then I played my most difficult role, Othello. But on opening night, I was killed!

  Kermit the Frog : [terrified]  I'm very sorry to hear that. Who killed you?

  Uncle Deadly : The critics.

• Kermit the Frog : Now, there is no such thing as a phantom. That's final, period, end of report!

  Fozzie Bear : Uh, Kermit? What has a skull like head, fiery green eyes, and a torn cape?

  Kermit the Frog : I don't know.

  Fozzie Bear : I don't know either but it's right behind you!

  [Fozzie, Scooter, Gonzo, and Hilda run away screaming] 

  Kermit the Frog : Uh, you will notice that I did not fall for their joke. And if it isn't a joke and if there is someone or something behind me, there is no doubt a logical explan for it. So I shall now just turn slowly around and see what is going on here.

  Kermit the Frog : [unnerved, but remains calm when he sees Uncle Deadly behind him]  Uh, pardon me, sir. But is there a logical explanation for your presence here?

  Kermit the Frog : [Uncle Deadly's response is an evil, maniacal laugh]  Apparently, there is no logical explanation.

  Kermit the Frog : [runs away screaming] 

• Kermit the Frog : [after the Feather Duster and the feather boas performed]  Ok, very nice. Very nice, you guys have come a long way since you were feather dusters.

  Feather Duster : [high pitched disco diva type voice]  Thank you. I enjoyed it ever so much, really I did!

• The Newsman : Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: London. Mrs. Lola Thomas of that city has just finished eating an entire diesel tractor.

  [a screen turns on, revealing Twiggy as Lola Thomas] 

  The Newsman : Tell me, Mrs. Thomas, why did you do such a thing?

  Lola Thomas : Well, the doctor told me I had an iron deficiency, you see, so I started on a couple of doorknobs and the occasional typewriter. But there's nothing really quite like a good bit of diesel tractor where you chip and pave, is there?

  The Newsman : What an extraordinary feat. I mean, how was it done?

  Lola Thomas : Oh, medium rare or thereabouts.

  The Newsman : Is this lady making a fool of me?

  [on the screen, Twiggy bites into a microphone and savors it] 

• Statler : Hey, hey. You said I could lead this time.

  Waldorf : Okay, okay. But I thought you promised to wear the pink taffeta.

  Statler : Ah, so I lied.

• Kermit the Frog : Hey, uh, thank you for letting me have this dance with you. Uh, what did you say your name was?

  Mary Louise : Mary Louise! One, two, three, dip!

  [She vigorously dips Kermit]