Married... with Children (TV Series)

How Green Was My Apple (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peggy : Al, don't tell me you're calling the...

  Al : [on the phone]  Police?

  Peggy : Well at least don't tell them that you're...

  Al : Al Bundy here. I'd like to report a missing apple. No, not some stupid computer, I'm talking about a fruit. I know it's not a donut, but it's important to me.

  [to Peg] 

  Al : They're transferring me to the Chief of Stolen Produce. Hello, who is this? Lt. Granny Smith? You sound like that Officer Jalopy I talked to when I called to report the Dodge missing... Okay, that's it. I'm calling the mayor. Er, who is the mayor?

  [writes down name] 

  Al : "McCheese". Okay you're in trouble now, Buddy, I voted for him.

  [hangs up] 

  Al : And they say you can't fight city hall.

• Al : Well, there's probably a lesson to be learned from all of this, but I'll be damned if I know what it is.

• Marcy : Al Bundy, what do you think you're doing?

  Al : Going blind if you stand up.

• Al : [Bud and his date are about to leave]  Son, since you're using the Dodge tonight, I need you to stop by the hardware store and pick up fifty pounds of manure for me and stop at the drug store and pick up some 'rhoid cream for me.

  Kelly : While you're there, get me some extra large maxipads too.

  Bud : Does anyone need me to pick up anything really embarrassing?

  Peggy : Suppositories!

• Al : That driveway belongs to the people next door but they may not let you in because the only black person they respect is Ted Danson.

  Gary Coleman : What you talkin' about, Bundy?

• Al : That driveway out there. As you can see, it's built nowhere up to it's code. I made it out of ground up women's shoes. So, how much is the fine?

  Gary Coleman : Well since you turned yourself in, I'll let it go at $100.

  Al : I see, and what if I said I made it that way just to make you look like an idiot?

  Gary Coleman : Then that would be $1,500.

  Bud : And what if we called you a moron to boot?

  Gary Coleman : $2,000.

  Kelly : Are you sure you're not Gary Coleman from Diff'rent Strokes?

  Gary Coleman : No, I am not.

  Kelly : Good. I hated that show.

  Gary Coleman : $5,000.

• [the Bundy's driveway is on the D'Arcy's property line. Marcy and Jefferson have set up a toll booth] 

  Marcy : We'll be happy to let Al use it, won't we Jefferson?

  Jefferson : Sure, as long as he pays the toll.

  Al : What's the toll?

  Marcy : $1,500, exact change please.

  Al : $1,500? Are you crazy?

  Jefferson : [cocks rifle]  Who you callin' crazy, Punk?

  Al : Uh... Your wife.

• Al : I warn you, when this is all said and done, you, Sir, will owe me an apple and an apology. And so will your husband.

• Al : Pumpkin! Pumpkin, I want you to do me a favor. Go to the hardware store and get Daddy some smudge pots.

  Kelly : [perplexed]  What are smudge pots?

  Al : They keep your apples warm, so they don't get frozen.

  Bud : You call them Marines.

  Kelly : Oh. All right.

  Al : And, Son, I have an even more important job for you. Go get me fifty pounds of manure.

  Peggy : Oh, and Bud, I need a jumbo box of tampons.

  Al : And don't forget my 'rhoid cream.

  Bud : Does anybody need anything embarrassing while I'm at it?

  [opens front door, gorgeous blonde on doorstep, his dream girl] 

  Al : [in unison]  Suppositories!

  Peggy : [in unison]  Suppositories!

  Girl : [alluringly, to Bud]  I was just coming over to see you.

  Bud : Uhm, not right now. I gotta go somewhere.

  Girl : [longingly]  Well, can I come with you?

  Bud : No! And don't follow me either!

• Gary Coleman : Hi, I'm the building code inspector. Are you the one that called?

  Al : I am. Aren't you...?

  Gary Coleman : No! Don't even ask, I'm not him, I've never been him, I can't even stand the little creep!

• Al : This property belongs to me. Welcome to Bundiana.