M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Your Retention Please (1981)
Loretta Swit: Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan
Quotes
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Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Okay, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker or a guffaw from anyone.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : You hear that Charles?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Subject of this meeting is... The Army.
[Looks expectantly at Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester, who sit quiet]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : [Quietly] So far, so good.
[Regular voice]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : [Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all burst out in laughter. Potter crosses his arms and waits for the laughter to stop] I'm sorry! If I held that in, my teeth would have exploded!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Come on, you gotta be kidding!
Major Charles Winchester : Gentlemen, please. It's impolite to laugh at seniles.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : [Sharply] What did he say?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Loss of hearing is the first sign.
[All three begin laughing again]
Major Margaret Houlihan : Will you clowns keep quiet? Some of us are interested in what the Colonel has to say. Go on Colonel.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Why, thank you, Major.
[Pierce begins making kissing noises]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : You blow one more kiss, Pierce, and those lips 'll never walk again.
Father Francis Mulcahy : Please, I'd like to hear this too.
[Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all make kissing noises]
Father Francis Mulcahy : Oh, blow it out your bugle! Colonel, please continue.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Gracias, Padre. Now I think you'll admit, the Army presents unique opportunities, that can't be had anywhere else.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : That's very true. What other job lets you die for a living?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Certainly a once in a lifetime experience.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : The Army provides a chance to see the world.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : Scenic tours of all the great battlefields.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : [Through gritted teeth] It provides a home.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : Where even the buffalo wouldn't roam.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Okay, that does it! Lecture's over! Class dismissed!
[Everyone heads for the door]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Except you Pierce! Since you insist on behaving like a dunce, you can cap it off by staying after school!