- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hawkeye, the tent is spinning around.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Which way?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Clockwise.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Mine's going counter-clockwise. Maybe together we're sober.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [trips while drunk] Did I fall down?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Nope.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I didn't think so.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: General, I have not seen this hat, as long as my head has lived.
- General Fox: Put it on!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [BJ puts on the hat which goes down around his nose] That's his hat all right.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Anything I can do?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Pray.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh. That's all I ever get to do.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [defending BJ] He never left camp. We had a company sock wash.
- General Fox: Colonel, were you a part of this company sock wash?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: No. That was, uh, for the younger crowd.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Sir, can I eat? It's meatloaf.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Enjoy the mystery.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: He'll be walking back here in about 20 minutes.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Walking back?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The only thing gassed up in that Jeep was us.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: C'mon, this is ridiculous. The army has all my credentials. Acme Medical School. Residency at Joe's Hospital and Auto Supply. And there's my practice at Schultz's mortuary.