Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Show 5 (1994)

Carl Forgione: David Harrison

Quotes 

• David Harrison : I'd like to ask a question...

  Alan Partridge : [noticing he's bald]  Hang on, hang on, are you a slaphead?

  David Harrison : I'm sorry?

  Alan Partridge : Are you a... Bald Kojak... big foot hater?

  David Harrison : Look, I just want to ask a question about sport.

  Alan Partridge : I'm sorry, my mistake. Please, do go ahead.

  David Harrison : Thank you. I'd like to ask the panel their views on the possibilites

  [in a Brummie accent] 

  David Harrison : of the bald Olympics coming to Birmingham!

  [Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III jumps up and the other Bald Brummies in the audience cheer and blow their party blowers] 

  Alan Partridge : Who are you? Who are you?

  Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : I am Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III!

  Alan Partridge : [pulling his bald wig and joke nose and glasses]  No, you're not, you're not at all, I'll tell you exactly who you are, your name is Martin Dwyer, you're entertainments officer for Warwick University Students' Union. And he's not your father, who's he?

  Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : [still in his comedy Brummie accent]  David Harrison.

  Alan Partridge : Don't do that voice anymore, it's not funny. Who's he?

  Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : [in his normal voice, now looking ashamed]  David Harrison.

  Alan Partridge : And what does he do?

  Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : He's a tutor in Political Science.

  Alan Partridge : And what do you study?

  Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Law.

  Alan Partridge : What do your parents think of this?

  Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Not that keen.

  Alan Partridge : Everyone likes a bit of fun, but you're just wasting people's time. Get yourself a girlfriend.

  [as Alan turns to talk to the other candidates, Martin Dwyer puts his bald wig back on and turns back into Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III] 

  Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Bald Brummies are back!

  [slaps Adrian Finch's balding head] 

  Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : He's a slaphead! Look at his slaphead!

  Adrian Finch : [losing his temper]  You are a bloody shit! You're a bloody, buggering, shitting buggerhead!

  Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : I think he's just lost the safest Conservative seat in the country! Full steam ahead!

  Adrian Finch : You bugger! Buggering shh...

  [he chases him onto the stage and starts attacking him] 

  Alan Partridge : Don't, please, this is not political debate! If you're gonna fight, do it in the car park!