Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Show 1 (1994)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : [the horse droppings are still on the stage behind Alan 10 minutes later]  Could someone clear that shit away, please? It's just it's in my picture. People may associate it with me.

• Keith Hunt : You do realise you're the only person in the country who still thinks Roger Moore's going to turn up?

  Alan Partridge : He'll be here.

  Keith Hunt : Where is he now?

  Alan Partridge : Chiswick Roundabout.

  Keith Hunt : Chiswick Roundabout to TV Centre in 10 minutes?

  Alan Partridge : Yes.

  Keith Hunt : How's he getting here, magic carpet?

  Alan Partridge : If need be, yes.

• [Roger Moore is due to appear on the show and Alan has prepared a special room full of props that reference his films] 

  Alan Partridge : That's a gold finger.

  Shona McGough : Sean Connery was Goldfinger.

  Alan Partridge : Well done, that was a trick object.

  Shona McGough : Sean Connery was a better Bond anyway.

  Alan Partridge : Well, you know, interesting you take that position, the Scottish position. In the whole Roger vs. Sean deabte that's been raging for the last 20 years, I have to say I'm firmly in the Roger camp. I believe no one could, sort of, wear a safari suit with the same degree of casuality.

• [Roger Moore still hasn't arrived] 

  Keith Hunt : It's a complete shambles, you're putting a brave face on it but he's not here! You tell the viewers Roger Moore's turning up, he's not!

  Alan Partridge : [holding his hand to his earpiece]  Keith Hunt, let me stop you in your tracks there, Keith Hunt, you can eat your hat now because, ladies and gentleman, I can confirm Roger Moore is on the show! We're having him on the show right now, live...

  Keith Hunt : Where is he?

  Alan Partridge : Live by telephone linkup from the car on a mobile phone. Hello Roger? Hello Roger?

  Roger Moore : [voice]  Hello, Alan.

  Alan Partridge : Oh, joy! Oh, Roger Moore, uh, erm... Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Roger Moore, A-ha!

  [sound of signal interference] 

  Alan Partridge : Roger? No? Alright, listen, I'm going to cut to a key question, Roger, we don't have much time... A hypothetical fistfight takes place between Simon Templar, The Saint, and James Bond, 007. Who wins? Any thoughts on that, Roger?

  [no answer] 

  Alan Partridge : Roger?

  [pause] 

  Alan Partridge : Roger?

  [pause] 

  Alan Partridge : Roger?

  [the signal noise fades out] 

  Alan Partridge : [desperately]  ROGER!

• [the show has become a complete disaster] 

  Keith Hunt : Does the word Titanic mean anything to you?

  Alan Partridge : Oh yeah, people go on about Titanic, Titanic... Let me tell you something about the Titanic, people forget, people forget that on the Titanic's maiden voyage there were over 1000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg!