Just Shoot Me! (TV Series)

Pass the Salt (1998)

David Spade: Dennis Finch

Quotes 

• Dennis Finch : Why would anyone think I'm gay?

  Red Finch : [Waiter arrives]  Finally. Boilermaker, boilermaker, boilermaker...

  Dennis Finch : Sea breeze.

• [Finch's father thinks he's gay, and he's trying to convince him that he's not] 

  Red Finch : I'm sorry I missed all those signs when you were growing up.

  Dennis Finch : What signs?

  Red Finch : That "special relationship" you had with that effeminate guy Kelly.

  Dennis Finch : Kelly was a girl!

  Red Finch : Wearing a baseball cap? I don't think so. And what about that time you fell off the roof? Ah, you screamed like a baby.

  Dennis Finch : I was 5! I landed on a rake, I split my head open! They said I'm lucky to be alive!

  Red Finch : Okay, okay, don't throw a hissy fit!

• [Finch's father thinks he's gay, and he's trying to convince him he's not. Elliot walks by] 

  Dennis Finch : Do me a favor, please explain to my dad that I'm not gay?

  Elliot DiMauro : You are so cute when you try to act butch.

  [grabs Dennis and kisses him] 

• Dennis Finch : I come from a long line of firemen. My grandpa, two uncles, both my brothers.

  Maya Gallo : So you're the only one in your family who's not a fireman.

  Elliot DiMauro : There's a rule that your legs have to be thicker than the hose.

  Dennis Finch : Actually, he's right.

• Nina Van Horn : I have a fire that needs putting out, if you know what I mean.

  Dennis Finch : Nina...

  Nina Van Horn : It's a five alarm fire, if you catch my drift.

  Elliot DiMauro : Good God, Nina, the potted plants caught your drift.

• Dennis Finch : You don't know what control is. My dad once ordered me kill our Thanksgiving turkey.

  Maya Gallo : You had to kill your own turkey?

  Dennis Finch : Well, I tried to, but it made like an angry noise, and when I came to, it was gone, along with a sizable chunk of my hair.

• Dennis Finch : Dad, I'm not gay! Is this because I look like Ellen?

• Persky : Hey, Dennis. There's some guy downstairs with an ax looking for you.

  Dennis Finch : Is he a tall, greasy guy with "Mayhem" tattooed on his neck screaming about how I stole his girlfriend?

  Persky : No. Big, older man.

  Dennis Finch : Oh, hell! It's my dad.

• Red Finch : [carrying an ax]  Guess what they're handing out at the convention center?

  Dennis Finch : Let me guess, axes?

  Red Finch : You always were the wise one. Here, it's yours.

  [hands Dennis the ax] 

  Dennis Finch : Thanks. This will come in handy never.

  Guy with Tattoo : [comes out of elevator]  Where's Dennis Finch?

  Dennis Finch : Over here.

  Guy with Tattoo : [seeing the ax]  Never mind.