- Maya Gallo: So how did it go in court?
- Nina Van Horn: Guilty. Can you imagine? A man in a black robe and brown loafers has the nerve to tell me I'm indecent.
- Maya Gallo: Nina, you were caught having sex in a glass elevator.
- Nina Van Horn: What I do in public is my own damn business.
- Jack Gallo: So what did the judge give you?
- Nina Van Horn: Fifty hours of community service, but the joke's on them. Most of the garbage on the highway is mine anyway.
- Adrienne Barker: Dennis, you're not having one of your weird jealous fits, are you?
- Dennis Finch: Jealous? No.
- Delivery Guy: Excuse me, miss. I need someone to sign for this.
- Dennis Finch: No one is impressed by your muscles, so beat it!
- Elliot DiMauro: [to Kyle, a hand model] Have we ever worked together?
- Kyle: I doubt it. I mostly work in the west coast. For some reason I get more hand jobs out there.
- Dennis Finch: I need your advice. There's this guy Kyle.
- Jack Gallo: I get it. Kyle is you.
- Dennis Finch: No, Kyle's this other guy, and he's trying to sleep with Adrienne.
- Jack Gallo: I see, and Kyle is having trouble in the sack.
- Dennis Finch: I'm not Kyle!
- Maya Gallo: I volunteer at a retirement home. You can serve your time there.
- Nina Van Horn: I don't know. I feel uneasy around the elderly. But not you, Jack. I feel just great around you.
- Jack Gallo: I didn't hear that.
- Nina Van Horn: We need to get him a hearing aid.
- Maya Gallo: The key is to keep it upbeat and cheerful. All right, who wants to discuss the reign of terror in Bosnia?
- Nina Van Horn: Three sailors walk into a bar...
- Mr. Henderson: Hey, I've heard this joke!
- Nina Van Horn: It's not a joke. I'm trying to tell you about my weekend.
- Dennis Finch: I have a little present for you. Not salt, just Pepper.
- Kyle: Pepper!
- Dennis Finch: Your supposed dead dog. I found her in your grandmother's backyard.
- Kyle: How did you know?
- Dennis Finch: I just thought to myself, where would I go to hide my darkest, deepest secret? I'd go to the only woman I trust: Nana!
- Jack Gallo: You're jealous because you're insecure.
- Dennis Finch: I am, and I shouldn't be.
- Jack Gallo: Yes, you should. You never let her see the real you. For Gosh's sake, you have her thinking you were a marksman in the Gulf War.
- Dennis Finch: Tank commander, but I see your point.
- Jack Gallo: If you want your marriage to work, you have to be honest with her.
- Dennis Finch: There has to be another way.
- Jack Gallo: Honesty, Dennis. It's the key to a healthy marriage.
- Elliot DiMauro: Jack, Ally wants to know if you can join her for lunch.
- Jack Gallo: Tell her I'm at the dentist.
- Jack Gallo: [to Dennis] It's a little game we play.
- Elliot DiMauro: I wouldn't worry about this Kyle. They're just buddies, like in "When Harry Met Sally".
- Dennis Finch: Harry slept with Sally.
- Elliot DiMauro: Really? I left early.
- Jack Gallo: I got the perfect present for you. I don't want to give it away, but do you own a canoe?
- Dennis Finch: No, thanks.
- Jack Gallo: You're in danger of getting a gift certificate.