Joan of Arcadia (TV Series)

The Fire and the Wood (2003)

Amber Tamblyn: Joan Girardi

Quotes 

• Electrician God : Are you looking for me?

  Joan : Um, I'm not sure.

  Electrician God : 'Cause when you're alone, that hideous Titanic song makes you cry.

  Joan : Why do you have to be so mean?

  Electrician God : Why do you have to keep questioning me? Most people would be on their best behavior.

  Joan : Okay, look, whatever. I was thinking about what you said when I asked you to cure Kevin. How it would show favoritism and that I'm an instrument of God. Then I realized, you want me to become a scientist, so I can discover a cure for Kevin.

  Electrician God : Newsflash, Joan: you don't need to let me in on your thinking process, I'm omniscient.

• Linesman God : Stop underachieving. Stop squandering the potential I gave you. Have some pride.

  Joan : What about humility?

  Linesman God : Humility isn't actually humility unless there's something you're good enough at to be humble about.

• Adam : Well, nice work, Jane.

  [he leaves, Helen looks at Joan] 

  Joan : He calls me Jane sometimes when he forgets that my name is Joan.

• Joan : So, my true nature is to be a catalyst? That is mad anti-climatic.

  Electrician God : Anti climactic. Anti-climatic means you're against the weather.

• [the previous night God had appeared on TV and Joan's father turned off the TV] 

  Linesman God : Hey kid, it's me. You need proof? Fine. Sometimes you like to practice french kissing yourself in the mirror.

  Joan : Why do you have to be so mean? Look, that was my Dad who turned you off last night, so if there's some kind of penalty, then I think...

  Linesman God : Fine. He shall spend all of eternity burning in hell.

  Joan : No, no, no, no, my dad's a really great guy.

  Linesman God : I'm kidding. There's no penalty for turning me off. Hey, just because I speak doesn't mean anyone has to listen.

  Joan : Really?

  Linesman God : Yeah. Free will is one of my better innovations. I-I give suggestions, not assignments.

  Joan : I feel a suggestion coming on.

• Little Girl God : You'd like to give me a slap, wouldn't you?

  Joan : Yeah... but you're so cute.

  Little Girl God : By the way, as an instrument of Me, have some pride. Do better. Do your best.

  Joan : Now I'd like to slap you.

• Joan : ...Oh, God.

  Electrician God : Yes?

  Joan : No, I was taking your name in vain, to be technical. Sorry.

• Joan : Don't you have any friends that you could walk to school with?

  Luke : Don't worry, they'll think I'm cool stylin' with my big sister. Oh, wait, you're worried that one of your friends will see us together... Oh, wait a minute, you don't have any friends.

  Joan : And ironically you're still cramping my style.

• Helen Girardi : If you're not too angry about Kevin's car, do you think we could invite the Wyatts over on the weekend? I really like them, and I...

  [seeing his expression] 

  Helen Girardi : What?

  Will Girardi : Oh, there's something I have to tell you. I know they're really the first couple we kind of clicked with, but, um...

  Helen Girardi : What?

  Joan : I arrested Tommy this afternoon.

  Joan : You arrested the fire chief?

  Helen Girardi : For what?

  Will Girardi : Arson.

  [he and Helen roar with laughter] 

  Joan : What's funny?

  [still laughing, he nonverbally expects her to get the irony] 

  Joan : [confused]  Well, why is that funny?

• Joan : This is why people hate mimes.

  Mime God : People don't really hate mimes. They just say that they do. It's the opposite of opera.

  Joan : Isn't there a law that says you can't talk to people?

  Mime God : Hey, Joan, I remain silent, I get criticized for that, too.

• Joan : I think I'm old enough to decide how much makeup is too much makeup.

  Will Girardi : The only way to prove that to me is by wearing too little.

• Joan : God, I'm not getting it. I joined AP Chem, but so what? I have to do what you want, obviously; you're God. I just... I don't get it.

  Mime God : [performing in mime as he talks]  AP Chem brings Adam Rove into your home, where he tells your mother about a car in the impound. Now your brother has a car. Get it?

  Joan : I-I got Kevin his car?

  Mime God : Me working through you, working through Adam, working through your mother, working through your...

  Joan : Can you stop all this? It's very distracting.

  [he stops] 

  Joan : Thank you.

  Mime God : What Kevin does with that car depends upon his own free will, which is another reality strand. Back on this strand, your father meets Adam, which compels him to exchange pleasantries with Adam's father, who passes on his inflated impressions of your father to his counterpart at the fire department, who happens to be the brother-in-law of an arson investigator, who risks his job to pass information to your father so that he can arrest an arsonist.

  Joan : Wait, wait, wait, wait. I caught an arsonist?

  Mime God : That's just on the Adam Rove reality strand.

  Joan : How far does this go?

  Mime God : All the way, baby.

  Joan : Always for the better?

  Mime God : [pantomiming being blown away by the wind]  Better is how it works with me. An infinite good in an infinite universe. Trust in me, Joan. That's all I ask.

• Electrician God : Look, you won't always know why I ask you to do things. You won't always see the effects. Just think about what you learned in AP Chemistry

  Joan : I didn't learn anything. I got the others to do it.

  Electrician God : The smallest catalyst can set off mind-boggling chain reactions. One time, I said "let there be light." All hell broke loose; you know, figuratively speaking.

• Joan : Let Kevin walk, please. I'll just ask for this one favore and then I'll never ask for one again. It's so easy for you. All you have to do is snap your fingers or-or blink your eyes. Just let Kevin stand up and walk.

  Little Girl God : People ask me to do things - big things, little things - billions of times every day.

  Joan : What do you expect? You're God.

  Little Girl God : I put a lot of thought into the universe. Came up the rules. It sets a bad example if I break them. Not to mention it shows favoritism. Why should one person get a miracle and not everybody else? Can you imagine the confusion? It's better when we all abide by the rules.

  Joan : No miracles?

  Little Girl God : Miracles happen within the rules. That's why I came to you.

  Joan : To... to perform miracles?

  Little Girl God : You're an instrument of God, bound by the limit of time and space. Perfect.

• Newscaster God : Wait, Joan, don't touch that dial. Please don't freak out. It's me, the King of Kings, the Almighty.

  Joan : God is doing the news?

  Newscaster God : I know, you thought you were done after the last time we spoke. You hoped it was an isolated instance of mental breakdown, and that your life would just return to normal.

  Joan : Yeah, well, I'm talking to the television, so normal works for me.

  Newscaster God : I'll keep this short...

  Joan : [Will enters and turns the TV off]  Oh, my god! What'd you do?

  Will Girardi : [ironically sarcastic]  Yeah, it's a crime against God to turn off the television.

• Joan : Do you believe in God?

  Gavin Price : That would only be pertinent if God told you to take Advanced Placement.

  Joan : He might have. He isn't always clear.