- Joan Girardi: Last night, my mom's aunt made us chant some Indian nature prayer she learned in New Mexico.
- Adam Rove: Sounds cool.
- Joan Girardi: Yeah, until you have to pose like a deer while she dances around you waving snake teeth. My dad was really happy about that.
- Adam Rove: My aunt has this big thing on her neck. It used to freak me out, like she was growing another head.
- Joan Girardi: What does that have to do with anything?
- Adam Rove: We were talking about aunts, weren't we?
- Joan Girardi: No, we were talking about me. Only two more days. My mom has this permanent serial killer smile glued to her face. I hope she makes it.
- Woman with Cats God: They'll be put to sleep if they're not adopted.
- Joan Girardi: Looks like they could use the sleep.
- Woman with Cats God: You could adopt one, Joan.
- Joan Girardi: I hate cats. This you know.
- Woman with Cats God: They were born on the streets, wild. They need a home.
- Joan Girardi: How about I get a puppy?
- [God shakes her head]
- Joan Girardi: Hamster?
- [another head shake]
- Joan Girardi: Sea monkeys?
- Luke Girardi: Why would someone who has repeatedly claimed that she hates cats get a cat?
- Joan Girardi: They were gonna kill it.
- Kevin Girardi: But a cat?
- Joan Girardi: I'm a puzzle, okay?
- Will Girardi: [seeing Joan's bandaged nose] What happened to your nose?
- Luke Girardi: Her cat has a problem with Edmond Rostand.
- Will Girardi: Why do I ask?
- Helen Girardi: [after Olive has a stroke] She was supposed to go to the Canary Islands next week for a Silbo language class.
- Will Girardi: A what?
- Helen Girardi: The language is all whistling. Apparently, there are over 4,000 words in...
- Will Girardi: Forget it. There's nothing about her that's ever gonna make any sense to me.
- Helen Girardi: Are you sure crickets are edible?
- Aunt Olive: Mmm! In the Kanchanaburi province in Thailand, it's a delicacy.
- Helen Girardi: Well, in Arcadia, they're exterminated.
- Aunt Olive: Oh, Helen, come on, live a little. I learned this recipe from a Thai chef who said that crickets kept him vital. Over 90, still having sex like a rabbit.
- Luke Girardi: I'll try one.
- Kevin Girardi: Me, too.
- Helen Girardi: Oh, God.
- Aunt Olive: I don't know how you lead such a sheltered life.
- Helen Girardi: Not eating bugs makes me sheltered?
- Aunt Olive: I always told my sister not to coddle you so much.
- Helen Girardi: Oh. Was that before or after she had to send you money to get you out of Burma?
- Joan Girardi: Introducing the newest Girardi, Larry the cat.
- Helen Girardi: You got a cat?
- Joan Girardi: Yeah.
- Aunt Olive: It's wild, isn't it?
- Joan Girardi: Uh, yeah.
- Aunt Olive: Well, get rid of it. They can't be tamed.
- Joan Girardi: No, the-the pamphlet shows you how to domesticate them.
- Kevin Girardi: Tell that to Siegfried.
- Luke Girardi: No, I think it was Roy.
- Luke Girardi: Have a cricket. Good for sex.
- Helen Girardi: Luke.
- Adam Rove: I'm going in.
- Aunt Olive: Oh, good for you.
- Joan Girardi: Ew! This is like Arcadia "Fear Factor".
- Will Girardi: Are you kidding? You're a walking pantry.
- Det. Carlisle: Chimichanga. I need something more substantial when I'm nervous.
- Will Girardi: Duncan and Simmons, good cops, pointed a finger at Undersheriff Roebuck for the Wallace fire. Roebuck pointed a finger at them. We got caught in the middle. Now, there's no way in hell that Roy Roebuck started that fire. We're here because we don't have any choice.
- Lieutenant Lucy Preston: Of course. We'll need detailed statements, case files on the shooting, death reports...
- Will Girardi: [handing over a stack of folders] Will there be anything else?
- Lieutenant Lucy Preston: There always is.
- Joan Girardi: You two look deep into something.
- Grace Polk: Eh, Madame Curie here is just trying to recruit me for the science fair again.
- Luke Girardi: It's just, the competition's fierce and, you know...
- Joan Girardi: Nodding off.
- Judith Montgomery: So, we all still on for ridiculing mall-heads tonight?
- Friedman: [with a French accent] Oh, but of course.
- Judith Montgomery: By "all", I didn't actually mean all.
- Judith Montgomery: You don't want to be a cat person, Jo-Jo. They're antisocial, sexually frustrated introverts...
- Joan Girardi: Oh, stow the shrink-isms. I'm taking care of one of God's creatures.
- Grace Polk: Dude, we eat most of his little creatures.
- Judith Montgomery: And your aunt eats the rest, from what I hear.
- Judith Montgomery: You and me, it's never gonna happen.
- Friedman: I'm a scientist, my sweet. We toil in unsolvable equations for years. We like.
- Will Girardi: I did something horrible today.
- Helen Girardi: What?
- Will Girardi: Oh, a work thing. Believe me, I'd rather have eaten the crickets.
- Helen Girardi: I've been thinking...
- Will Girardi: Oh, that's when I get concerned.
- Helen Girardi: I think we have to take in Olive. Just until she can take care of herself again.
- Will Girardi: Helen, this is a woman who stays in a motel when she visits because she doesn't approve of how we live. Let her yell at the people at the rehab place. They get paid for that.
- Helen Girardi: Will...
- Will Girardi: How can you possibly think this could ever work out?
- Helen Girardi: I don't know. I saw Joan with that horrible cat...
- Will Girardi: Okay, fine, if we keep Olive in a cage.
- Helen Girardi: Will, the house is already set up for someone in a wheelchair. We know how to care for someone who's disabled. She sat with my mother when she was dying, transformed the hospital room, made it look just like her bedroom at home. I... she's family. Don't we have to?
- Adam Rove: Your mom is driving me nuts with this pop art assignment. This is...
- Joan Girardi: Try sharing the same DNA with her.
- Adam Rove: If you haven't found anyone to take care of Larry, I can.
- Joan Girardi: Oh, but your dad's allergic.
- Adam Rove: Oh, I'll keep him in the shed.
- Joan Girardi: Thanks, but the pamphlet says he needs to sleep with someone in the same room at night.
- Adam Rove: Well, I fall asleep working out there all the time anyway.
- Joan Girardi: Really?
- Adam Rove: Yeah.
- Joan Girardi: [kissing him] Thank you. He's so sweet. That's a lie, but thank you.
- Helen Girardi: I asked her to stay with us. How could I talk to her like that?
- Will Girardi: The doctor said the stroke wouldn't affect her mental acuity or speech. What did you expect?
- Helen Girardi: Well, I expected to not yell at an old lady who just had a stroke. I called her a bitch.
- Will Girardi: I know. I almost cheered.
- Will Girardi: I'm putting on my pants and my trusty garlic sensor starts going nuts.
- Aunt Olive: We made paella!
- Will Girardi: We?
- Aunt Olive: Will, no cracks or you don't get any.
- Will Girardi: You really have the recipe?
- Helen Girardi: You can torture me all you want. I'm not giving it up.
- Joan Girardi: I lost him. I tried everything. I swear. It's just my aunt... he's probably just under a bus somewhere, and it's all my fault.
- Woman with Cats God: Running away, it's his nature.
- Joan Girardi: But I thought I was supposed to change him.
- Woman with Cats God: Why do you think he was the one who was supposed to change?