- Electrician God: It's painful what happened to your friend. It's very difficult to see something like that.
- Joan: Yeah, what did Stevie do anyway to deserve that big lightning bolt from on high?
- Electrician God: Ahh, I don't punish people, and I'd never ask you to harm anyone. You know that. What you witnessed was the power of the truth.
- Joan: Uh, but isn't that supposed to set you free, not kick you in the head?
- Electrician God: The light of the truth can be harsh to those who have been in the dark. In "The Republic", Plato writes about prisoners who lived their whole lives in a cave, chained in place. A fire throws shadows against the wall in front of them. That's all they ever see, so they have no reason to believe there's more to the world. Stepping out into the light after that can hurt your eyes. But once you adjust... can you flip that switch?
- Joan: Isn't it your job to let there be light?
- Electrician God: It's everyone's.
- Joan: You're not actually gonna let her go to jail, right?
- Electrician God: It's all working out the way it has to.
- Joan: So Stevie has to lose her mom for three years because of me? They would've been fine if I'd just stayed out of it.
- Electrician God: Their relationship was built on a lie, and a lie, even if it's motivated by the best of intentions, blinds people from the light. Love can't survive in the dark, Joan.
- Joan: But look at them. How are they gonna get through this?
- Electrician God: Eh, you made them see what they have, what they were going to lose. You let them see the truth. That's the light they need to find their way.
- Joan: Parent teacher night? That is just three words you never want to see next to each other.
- Grace Polk: Should be called tyrant oligarch nacht.
- Luke Girardi: Lischak asked me to do the student science presentation.
- Adam Rove: Do you get extra credit?
- Luke Girardi: Not really.
- Grace Polk: So it's for the love of sucking up? You're gonna have to get your lips surgically removed from Lischak's...
- Luke Girardi: Okay, I get it, Grace.
- Joan: [sarcastic] Wow, they really make you believe in love, don't they?
- Female Custodian God: Hey, there, Joan.
- Joan: Oh, god.
- Female Custodian God: The one and only.
- Joan: Can we, uh, make this snappy? I have to get to the library.
- Glynis Figliola: I'm a guide. I love the button.
- Luke Girardi: I got roped into refreshments. You think Einstein had to pour punch?
- Grace Polk: I'm just gonna stare a lot and scare the parents.
- Adam Rove: Jane, did you tell your mom about us at the concert?
- Joan: You didn't notice I was grounded for, like, a week?
- Adam Rove: No, I mean, uh, us. You know, that I wanted us to sleep together.
- Joan: Oh. That.
- Adam Rove: [knowing from her tone of voice] Oh, my god. I knew it.
- Joan: What do you mean?
- Adam Rove: Jane, she hates me now.
- Joan: Okay, now you're just being paranoid.
- Adam Rove: She asked Nikki Freezer to do the art presentation, okay? She-she paints sunsets over the ocean with... seagulls.
- Joan: Hey! You're lucky I didn't tell my dad, okay? He's the one with the gun.
- Will Girardi: [taking dinner out of the oven] The kid has done it again.
- Helen Girardi: Mm. Ooh, let me pick just a little bit of that crunchy bit off.
- Will Girardi: And spoil the presentation?
- Luke Girardi: See, string theory provides a unified description of the universe. I mean, it... it's the Holy Grail of physics.
- Will Girardi: Yeah, like lasagna's the Holy Grail of Italian food.
- Luke Girardi: Not an exact analogy.
- Will Girardi: Well, maybe when I see the strings...
- Joan: So, I was thinking we'd go for that ice cream later. You know, sneak a couple pounds of it, curl up on the couch and groan.
- Adam Rove: I don't know. Why don't we ask your mom?
- Joan: All right, I'm sorry you're mad that I told her, but she is my mom, and I was confused, and it's a good thing that I can trust her, you know?
- Adam Rove: Fine. But why'd you have to bring me into it?
- Joan: Uh, you were kind of involved in the whole wanting to have sex part.
- Will Girardi: If there's one life lesson I impart to my children, it's that lasagna is even better cold the next day.
- Kevin Girardi: I thought it was to pee before leaving.
- Will Girardi: Well, that, too.
- Grace Polk: Fire up those lips, whiz kid.
- Adam Rove: [grossed out] Uh... Grace?
- Grace Polk: [realizing her mistake] Okay, you could choose to forget this, or I could inflict brain damage.
- Adam Rove: When Jane and I went to the concert, uh... we spent the night in the back of my dad's pickup truck.
- Grace Polk: Do I really wanna hear this?
- Adam Rove: We didn't do anything. But I wanted to. And I tried.
- Grace Polk: Dude, there are certain images I don't want seared in my brain.
- Adam Rove: Grace, she told her mom.
- Grace Polk: [laughing] Oh, nice knowing you, Rove.
- Adam Rove: Look, she... she said that her mother was cool, okay, and, you know, and that... that she understood. And...
- Grace Polk: And you believe that?
- Adam Rove: No. No.
- Grace Polk: You had to choose someone who has a good relationship with her mother.
- Adam Rove: So what do I do?
- Grace Polk: You can invent a time machine.
- Glynis' Mom: Hi, Joan.
- Joan: [thinking it's God] Great. I knew you wouldn't be able to keep away. Where'd you get that sweater, a dumpster?
- Will Girardi: Do you know every hot dog has meat from a thousand different cows in it?
- Det. Carlisle: And I am grateful to every one of them.
- Kevin Girardi: Sunrise ice cream. What's the occasion?
- Joan: [heavy sigh] I nuked a whole family. With your help.
- Kevin Girardi: The Stevie thing. I heard.
- Joan: Yeah. I was supposed to help her. Instead, I just ended up stealing her iPod.
- Kevin Girardi: You gonna keep it?
- Joan: No. I already feel bad enough.