The IT Crowd (TV Series)

Calamity Jen (2006)

Richard Ayoade: Maurice Moss

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Moss suddenly notices the fire he set and naturally confuses it with golf] 

  Moss : Ooh! Fore! I mean "Five!" I mean "Fire!"

• Roy : Well, like all women she's shoe-mad

  Moss : That's a bit sexist, isn't it?

  Roy : You know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?

  Moss : No, but I only know one woman, and she just left the room shouting "THE SHOES!"

• Moss : I can't go to jail, Roy! They'll rape the flip out of me!

• Moss : Now, let's see what we have here.

  [bends over to read fire extinguisher] 

  Moss : "Stand upright"

  [stands upright] 

  Moss : Well, now I can't read it. Oh! Not me. I AM a giddy goat.

• Moss : Excuse me, I would like a go and I think Roy should be punished for nearly killing that lady.

• Moss : [holding a fire extinguisher that is on fire]  I'll put this over here, with the rest of the fire.

• Moss : Subject: Fire. Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire that has broken out at the premises of... no, that's too formal.

  [deletes text, starts again] 

  Moss : Fire - exclamation mark - fire - exclamation mark - help me - exclamation mark. 123 Cavendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. Yours truly, Maurice Moss.

  [sigh of relief] 

• Roy : Come on you crazy bitch. Denholm's called a general.

  Jen : Oh no! Not another one.

  Moss : I bet he declares war on something. He loves declaring wars.

  [now in meeting] 

  Denholm : I am declaring war.

  [the employees groan] 

  Denholm : I can see that got your attention.

  [camera points to his tight cycling trousers] 

  Denholm : What am I declaring war on?

  Roy : [sotto voce]  My bollocks?

• Roy : The weirdest thing just happened-FIRE?

  Moss : It's fine. I've sent an email.

• Moss : [dialing]  0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 - 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hello? Hello?

  [pauses for thought] 

  Moss : I know...

  [sits down in front of the computer] 

  Moss : Subject: Fire. "Dear Sir stroke Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." no, that's too formal.

  [deletes] 

  Moss : "Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help me, exclamation mark. 123 Carrendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."

• Moss : Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to?

• Moss : What was all that about?

  Roy : Well, like all women, she's shoe mad.

  Moss : That's a bit sexist, isn't it?

  Roy : Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?

• Roy : Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine?

  Moss : Yes.

  Roy : You turned it off?

  Moss : Oh I'm fairly sure I did.

  Roy : Because you remember what happened last time, right?

  Moss : Yes. That was very funny!

  Roy : Well, no, no. It was very dangerous and someone nearly died.

  Moss : Right. No. Yeah, I was thinking of a different incident, the one on the golf course.

  Roy : What? I'm talking about the fire.

  Moss : Oh yeah. Fire. Sorry. I always get confused between "golf" and "fire".

  Roy : Just make sure it's off.

  Roy : It is off. I think.

  Roy : Well just make sure it is.

  Moss : I will make sure it is.

  Roy : And if it's already off...?

  Moss : ...I'll just walk away.

  [Roy exits] 

  Moss : Get off my back. What is he, the soldering iron police?... It's off. That means I turn in on, and just walk away.

• Moss : Well that's easy to remember. 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3

• Moss : [reading fire extinguisher]  Stand upright.

  [stands] 

  Moss : Well now I can't read it. Oh, not me. I AM a giddy goat.

• Moss : [annoyed]  Made in Britain.