I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Towering Alan (1997)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : Jurassic Park!

• Chris Feathers : [at Tony Hayers' funeral]  Brilliant man.

  Alan Partridge : Oh, yes. He had a second class honours degree in media studies from Loughborough University. What a waste.

• Alan Partridge : [bored while hosting a country show, speaking into the public address system]  Fire! Fire! The fayre's on fire!

• Alan Partridge : [at a funeral]  Have you got a battery for an Ericsson?

• [clip at the end of the title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : [on a boat, wearing a sailor costume]  It's moored in Miami.

• Alan Partridge : That's a nice shirt.

  Michael : Aye, I got married in this. Like it? I got it in Manilla.

  Alan Partridge : I didn't know you were married.

  Michael : Aye. Married a Filipino lassie, like. Didn't work out. She didn't like Newcastle and she didn't fit in with the culture.

  Alan Partridge : Has she gone back home?

  Michael : No, she moved to Sunderland. She's shacked up with me brother.

• Dave Clifton : [on air, in his corny radio DJ voice]  I think you're splidding hairs a little bit there, Alan.

  Alan Partridge : Sorry, "splidding"?

  Dave Clifton : Yeah, splitting, you know?

  Alan Partridge : Sorry, it's difficult to understand you when you say "splidding" because I know in real life you say "splitting". Interesting way you subtitute a 'd' for a 't' when you're broadcasting. If you ask me, it's the behaviour of a "dosser".

  Dave Clifton : A "dosser"?

  Alan Partridge : Yes, a "dosser" and a "dwad".

  Dave Clifton : Ha ha. Alan Partridge there...

  Alan Partridge : There are others, aren't there, there's "did-head" and there's "dalendless shid". And, if rumours are to be believed, you're back on the "boddle".

  Dave Clifton : Er, this is "Einstein A Go-Go"...

  Alan Partridge : "Gid". That's "git".

• [in the farewell party in his hotel room, Alan turns round to see the others all looking into the drawer containing something he doesn't want anyone to see. They all jump back. After a moment of awkward silence, Lynn spontaneously breaks into a song] 

  Lynn Benfield : [singing rapidly in a Scottish accent]  O, rattling, roaring Willie, O, he! Well, he's off to the BBC! O, rattling, roaring Willie, O, he! He's off to the BBC! O, Willie goes there, O, Willie goes there, O, Willie goes there, O, there, O, there! O, Willie goes there, O, Willie goes there, O, Willie goes there, O, there, there, there!

  Alan Partridge : Extraordinary.

• [at Alan's farewell party, Michael starts getting into a heated argument with him about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre] 

  Susan : Er, Michael! Michael! Mr. Partridge is still a guest in this hotel. Now, I think perhaps you've had just a little too bit much to drink and maybe it's time that you should leave.

  Michael : If that's how you all feel...

  [he leaves the room, muttering. Ben and Sophie snigger] 

  Susan : Now, you two can stop giggling.

  Alan Partridge : [to Ben and Sophie]  Don't know what her problem is.

  Susan : I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MY PROBLEM IS! HAVING TO LISTEN TO YOUR CRAP FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS! YOU'VE BEEN IN THIS HOTEL FOR 182 DAYS, YOU LITTLE SHIT! BEN, SOPHIE, I WANT YOU ON RECEPTION!

  [Ben and Sophie leave] 

  Susan : AND YOU! CHECK OUT IS 12 NOON TOMORROW!

  Alan Partridge : [picking up one of the party bags he's made out of hotel toiletries]  Do you, uh, do you want one of these?

  Susan : A SANITARY BAG? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

  [she slaps his face and leaves] 

  Alan Partridge : [to Lynn]  I think that went went quite well.

• [Alan comes back to the hotel after Tony Hayers' funeral, carrying a large cardboard box and singing] 

  Susan : How was your day, Alan?

  Alan Partridge : I went to a funeral, which was very sad, and then I popped into Hi-Fi Serious to pick up a top-of-the-range Bang and Olufsen stereo system. Do you like it?

  Susan : Well, it's in a box, Alan.

  Alan Partridge : Bit like Tony Hayers!

• Alan Partridge : Bottom line, Chris, I want a 6 month contract at the BBC to make television programs.

  Chris Feathers : No, Alan. I'm not going to give you a 6 month contract.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, you're just like all the rest, aren't you? You sit there on your fat, spotty behind, in a dead man's chair,

  [indicates Lynn] 

  Alan Partridge : leching at her like a piece of meat.

  Chris Feathers : [takes out a letter]  Alan, Alan, Alan... I'm not going to give you a 6 month contract because I have prepared... a 5 year one.

  Alan Partridge : [overwhelmed and very embarrassed at the same time]  Huh? That's brilliant.

  Chris Feathers : 200,000 pounds a year.

  Alan Partridge : That's a million pounds. Jurassic Park. I'm sorry for saying you're fat before, I just mean you're big-boned.

• Alan Partridge : [at Tony Hayers' funeral]  Were you close?

  Jane Hayers : He was my husband.

  Alan Partridge : Yes, yes, of course.

• [at Tony Hayers' funeral, Alan really wants to talk to Chris Feathers but keeps being introduced to other people] 

  Chris Feathers : Oh, Alan, have you met Jane?

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, I've done her. Erm, Chris can I...

  Chris Feathers : Er, just two minutes.

  [he goes to talk to someone else] 

  Alan Partridge : [to Jane, Tony Hayers' widow]  He keeps saying that!

• Alan Partridge : [looking at some courgettes in a fruit and vegetable contest]  I knew a bloke who had fingers like that once. He's dead now. Irish navvy. Angina. Wasn't pleasant.

• Chris Feathers : How about celebrating? Let's get a bottle of Bolly!

  Alan Partridge : Sod that! Let's have some champagne!

• Jane Hayers : [at Tony Hayers' funeral]  He'd have been 41 next month.

  Alan Partridge : All those people who go around saying "Life begins at 40." They're notable by their absence. The nerve.

• Alan Partridge : I like all the bands. I've got a broad taste, you know, from the Britpop bands, like UB40, Def Leppard, right back to classic rock, like Wings.

  Ben : Who's Wings?

  Alan Partridge : They're only the band The Beatles could have been.

  Ben : I love The Beatles.

  Alan Partridge : So do I.

  Ben : What's your favourite Beatles album, then?

  Alan Partridge : Tough. I think I'd have to say "The Best of The Beatles".

• Alan Partridge : [at Tony Hayers' funeral, feigning grief]  What was he doing on the bloody roof?

  Jane Hayers : He was getting the aerial down because we were moving.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, I know, I was being rhetorical. Did he actually bring the aerial down with him?

  Jane Hayers : Yes, he did, yes.

  Alan Partridge : Comforting to know that the last thing he did was an act of kindness.

• Lynn Benfield : Your mind's flying.

  Alan Partridge : Of course my mind's flying, Lynn. I've been living in a hotel for 26 weeks. 182 days in a Travel Tavern. Look, see this, look - sanitary bags! They put these in my room every day! They know I'm a man! I keep loose Werther's Originals in them. Look at this! See this?

  [he picks up a cardboard box and tips lots of little shower gel bottles onto the bed] 

  Alan Partridge : That is 182 bottles of body lotion. I was going to sell them at a car boot sale. I can't remember what it's like to dial a number from a telephone without hitting 9 first.

  [as he says this he picks up the phone and taps a button on it] 

  Alan Partridge : [into the phone]  Hello? Reception? Sorry, I must have hit a zero.

  [he puts down the phone] 

  Alan Partridge : Lynn, I was at a friend's house the other night. I was trying to make a phone call, I thought there was something wrong with the phone, I'd been hitting 9, Lynn! I felt like a ruddy idiot! I just left, I couldn't stay there after that.

• Alan Partridge : [on the phone]  What? Really? Oh my God.

  [to Lynn] 

  Alan Partridge : Tony Hayers is dead.

  Lynn Benfield : Yes!

• Alan Partridge : Kiss my face!

• Alan Partridge : So, who's your favourite singer, then?

  Ben : Oh, uh, anything really, you know... Frank Sinatra. Kurt Cobain.

  Alan Partridge : Who's he?

  Ben : Nirvana. Blew his head off with a gun.

  Alan Partridge : Why?

  Ben : He was depressed.

  Alan Partridge : Why, were they not very good?

  Ben : No, they were great.

  Alan Partridge : Someone should have told him.

• Alan Partridge : [hosting a country fayre, speaking into the public address system]  Clydesdale horses. 12 hands high. Hands of course, the ancient system for measuring horses that's been around since medieval times. Of course, tape measures in those days were viewed with suspicion. Anyone who could unfurl 15 feet of thin sheet metal from a pocket-sized box, would have been killed as a witch. It's tragic actually to think that girls, some as young as the ones holding balloons over there, would have been burnt at the stake. May God have mercy on their souls.

• [Mike Sampson, an odd hotel guest who keeps laughing and whom Alan finds very irritating, has showed up to Alan's farewell party for the hotel staff] 

  Alan Partridge : What's he doing here?

  Lynn Benfield : You said invite a guest.

  Alan Partridge : Lynn, that's just a phrase. I didn't mean it.

• [at Alan's farewell party in his hotel room] 

  Mike Sampson : I supply fitted kitchens. Funny thing is, I've been in the business for 15 years but I... I can't actually cook!

  [him and Michael laugh] 

  Mike Sampson : [picks up a book from a table]  You see, a cookery book here, it wouldn't be much use to me!

  [him and Michael laugh again] 

  Michael : Mr. Partridge! He said he sells kitchens, right, for 15 year, but he cannet cook!

  Alan Partridge : [has been right in front of them listening the whole time]  I know, I heard him, yeah.

  Michael : Then, right, he sees the cook book and he says "That'd be nae good to me, that, would it?"

  Alan Partridge : I know, I heard him.

  Michael : Oh, come on, lighten up, ya stuffy get!

  Alan Partridge : Lynn, this is terrible. This is terrible.

• [in the hotel lift, Alan awkwardly stands next to Mike, an odd man who keeps laughing. As they exit the lift, Alan weaves in front of him and makes a racecar noise] 

  Mike Sampson : [laughing]  Oh, it's like "cars", this!

  Alan Partridge : That's right.

  [Alan grimaces as he walks away] 

• Alan Partridge : Seriously, Susan, would you go out with me?

  Susan : No.

  Alan Partridge : Would you go out with me if I was younger and more attractive?

  Susan : Erm... yes, I think I probably would.

  Alan Partridge : I'd better go and build that time travel gymnasium, then. I'll come back aged 25, built like a brick shithouse. Then you'll kiss me.

  Susan : If you'll excuse me a moment, Alan, I have to leave the desk unattended.

  [she leaves the reception desk] 

• Alan Partridge : [speaking to Sue Cook on the phone]  Hello, Sue. it's Alan. Yeah, Sue, take the fag out of your mouth, I can't tell what you're saying.

• Alan Partridge : [judging a fruit and vegetable contest]  Nice tray of plums there. Just put "nice plums"

• Alan Partridge : [while having to chat to a man he doesn't care for at Tony Hayers' funeral]  Would it be terribly rude to stop listening to you and go and speak to somebody else?

• Lynn Benfield : How did the country show go, Alan?

  Alan Partridge : Um... I walked off.

  Lynn Benfield : Who's upset you this time?

  Alan Partridge : Just people. I just hate the general public.

• Alan Partridge : [looking through a catalogue]  Where do they get these men from? Who smiles at a Black & Decker Workmate for goodness sake?

• Alan Partridge : [hosting a country show, speaking into the public address system]  You're not even listening are you? You people. I'm going. It's all wrapping up in about an hour anyway, so I don't think you'll miss me. Thank you, goodbye.

  [a high-pitched whine emits from the loudspeakers as Alan puts down the microphone and walks off]