I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

To Kill a Mocking Alan (1997)

Arthur Mathews: Paul Tool

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : 'Sunday Bloody Sunday'. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think "Sunday, bloody Sunday!".

  Aidan Walsh : I really hate to do this to you, Alan, but it's actually a song about...

  Paul Tool : Yeah, Bloody Sunday is actually about a massacre in Derry in 1972.

  Alan Partridge : A massacre? Ugh. I'm not playing that again.

• [instead of revealing that he is living in a cheap hotel, Alan has ended up taking the Irish TV executives to his fan Jed's house and is pretending that it's his, despite having never been there before. They enter a room that Jed has turned into a shrine to Alan. Loads of pictures of Alan cover the walls and a dummy with an Alan Partridge mask sits in a chair] 

  Alan Partridge : Oh my God.

  [very awkward silence] 

  Alan Partridge : [still pretending that it's his house]  I am such a big head! Two things, um, One: Presumably you think I'm a bit odd and you'd like to leave immediately.

  Aidan Walsh : Yeah.

  Paul Tool : Yes.

  Alan Partridge : And Two... can I come with you?

• Jed Maxwell : Tea's up. I'm sorry, we've only got one mug. We don't get a lot of visitors.

  [to Aidan] 

  Jed Maxwell : Well, you're the biggest so you'd better have the mug.

  [to Paul] 

  Jed Maxwell : Er, you'll have to have this milk jug. It's a bit like a mug, only it's got a spout on it. I'll have the coffee jar, and there you go, Alan.

  [he hands Alan a small plastic container] 

  Paul Tool : That's... one of those ball things you have in washing machines.

  Jed Maxwell : That's right! It's called an Arielator!

• Alan Partridge : Could we come live from the Blarney Stone? I'm trying to get an angle on this.

  Paul Tool : You see, Alan, I think you're increasingly moving towards an area we want to move away from.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah. You're absolutely right. Live TV can blow up in your face. Sorry about that. You must be sick of that.

  Aidan Walsh : Of what?

  Alan Partridge : You know, being blown up, bombs.

  Aidan Walsh : I'm from Dublin. Not in Dublin.

  Paul Tool : We're from Dublin.

  Alan Partridge : But that's where you make them.

• Aidan Walsh : This is really a horrible hotel. Who stays in a place like this?

  Paul Tool : Terrible. It's so sterile here.

  Lynn Benfield : Yes, it is.

  Aidan Walsh : The staff are polite but it's as if their smiles are...

  Lynn Benfield : Painted on.

  Aidan Walsh : Yeah, exactly.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, they are. It's very false, isn't it? I mean, the great thing about this hotel is its situation. It's equidistant between London and Norwich. That's the genius of its location. Even though I do hate it and I don't live here. I just pop in for breakfast.

  Susan : Hello, Alan.

  Alan Partridge : Which is why she knows my name.