I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

To Kill a Mocking Alan (1997)

Barbara Durkin: Susan

Quotes 

• Michael : If you ever find yourself in a situation with a concealed weapon, right, what you wanna dee is, when you draw your weapon...

  Alan Partridge : It's great, this. I love this.

  Michael : It's nae laughing matter. When you draw your weapon, right...

  [mimes pulling out a handgun] 

  Michael : Draw your weapon, make it as smooth as you possibly can. So, draw, hold, fix and fire, and then just move and fire!

  [he moves across the hotel reception area firing his imaginary gun and Alan copies him] 

  Michael : And move and fire! And move and fire! And move and fire!

  [Lynn comes around the corner and into their imaginary line of fire] 

  Alan Partridge : Get back in the lift, Lynn!

  [Lynn runs back into the lift, Alan and Michael continue their imaginary gun battle] 

  Michael : Reload!

  Susan : MICHAEL! What do you think you're doing?

  Michael : [goes back to the job he was doing before]  I'm sorry.

  [Alan and Michael look like two children who have just been told off] 

• Aidan Walsh : This is really a horrible hotel. Who stays in a place like this?

  Paul Tool : Terrible. It's so sterile here.

  Lynn Benfield : Yes, it is.

  Aidan Walsh : The staff are polite but it's as if their smiles are...

  Lynn Benfield : Painted on.

  Aidan Walsh : Yeah, exactly.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, they are. It's very false, isn't it? I mean, the great thing about this hotel is its situation. It's equidistant between London and Norwich. That's the genius of its location. Even though I do hate it and I don't live here. I just pop in for breakfast.

  Susan : Hello, Alan.

  Alan Partridge : Which is why she knows my name.