I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

To Kill a Mocking Alan (1997)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : 'Sunday Bloody Sunday'. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think "Sunday, bloody Sunday!".

  Aidan Walsh : I really hate to do this to you, Alan, but it's actually a song about...

  Paul Tool : Yeah, Bloody Sunday is actually about a massacre in Derry in 1972.

  Alan Partridge : A massacre? Ugh. I'm not playing that again.

• Alan Partridge : Very clever men, both very clever men, but I don't trust them. Gerry Adams looks like a deputy headmaster and Martin McGuinness looks like a clown without makeup.

• [Alan is leaving Jed's house. Jed has turned out to be a psychotically obsessed fan] 

  Jed Maxwell : See you next week then? We'll have that pint.

  Alan Partridge : Yep.

  Jed Maxwell : Go see my brother.

  Alan Partridge : No way, you big spastic! You're a mentalist!

  [Alan speeds off in his car] 

  Jed Maxwell : Oi! Come back! I'll rip your bloody head off!

• Jed Maxwell : I'm just a fan, Alan, that's all. Your biggest fan. I'll show you something.

  [he takes his shirt off to reveal a huge tattoo of Alan's face on his chest and stomach] 

  Alan Partridge : Glory be!

  Jed Maxwell : It took 14 hours! I fainted three times!

  Alan Partridge : Jed, I'll level with you. I'm really scared.

• [instead of revealing that he is living in a cheap hotel, Alan has ended up taking the Irish TV executives to his fan Jed's house and is pretending that it's his, despite having never been there before. They enter a room that Jed has turned into a shrine to Alan. Loads of pictures of Alan cover the walls and a dummy with an Alan Partridge mask sits in a chair] 

  Alan Partridge : Oh my God.

  [very awkward silence] 

  Alan Partridge : [still pretending that it's his house]  I am such a big head! Two things, um, One: Presumably you think I'm a bit odd and you'd like to leave immediately.

  Aidan Walsh : Yeah.

  Paul Tool : Yes.

  Alan Partridge : And Two... can I come with you?

• [ex-soldier Michael has set up a display board with plastic letters reading 'AN AFTERNOON WITH ALAN PARTRIDGE WITH SUE COOK'. But she has just pulled out of it] 

  Michael : So, uh, do you want us to take out Sue Cook for you?

  Alan Partridge : God, no!

  [realising Michael means taking her name off the board, not assassinating her] 

  Alan Partridge : Oh, I see. Er, yeah.

• [clip at the end of the title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : [in his Rover]  Just pop your elbow on there...

  [he rests his elbow on the window sill and pushes down the door lock switch] 

  Alan Partridge : You've locked the door. Sometimes you don't want to.

• Alan Partridge : [starting his "An Afternoon with Alan Partridge" event]  I might as well say this now, Sue Cook has pulled out. So if anyone wants to leave, then please, now's the time.

  [two men in the audience get up and leave] 

• Jed Maxwell : [inside Jed's Alan Partridge shrine]  It must be odd being here in a room surrounded by photos of yourself.

  Alan Partridge : [has a forced smile]  It is a bit, yeah!

  Jed Maxwell : I like David Copperfield as well. Not as much as you though.

  Alan Partridge : No, no, I can see that, he's losing the battle for wall space, isn't he?

• Alan Partridge : [to two Irish TV executives]  I think the Irish are going through a major image change. I mean, the old image of leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness... horses running through council estates... toothless simpletons... people with eyebrows on their cheeks... badly tarmacked drives, in this country... uh, men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings... lots of rocks, and, uh, Beamish. I think people are saying "Yes, there's more to Ireland than this". A good slogan for the tourist board. "There's more to Oireland dan dis".

• Aidan Walsh : You ever been to Ireland, Alan?

  Alan Partridge : No, no. I'd love to go.

  Aidan Walsh : It amazes me when people say that and it's only 49 quid on a plane.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, I think that's what puts me off.

• Alan Partridge : [about gay people]  I've nothing against them, it's just, as I see it, God created Adam and Eve, he didn't create Adam and Steve. I'm kind of a homo-sceptic.

• [during "An Afternoon with Alan Partridge", held in a conference room at the Travel Tavern, two businessmen poke their heads into the room, distracting Alan mid-speech] 

  Alan Partridge : Hello?

  [they back out of the room and shut the door without saying anything] 

  Alan Partridge : Why do people do that?

• Alan Partridge : So, how many people were killed in the Irish famine?

  Aidan Walsh : Erm... two million and another two million had to leave the country.

  Alan Partridge : I mean, if it was just the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day, you will pay the price if you're a fussy eater. If they could afford to emigrate then they could afford to eat in a modest restaurant.

• Alan Partridge : Could we come live from the Blarney Stone? I'm trying to get an angle on this.

  Paul Tool : You see, Alan, I think you're increasingly moving towards an area we want to move away from.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah. You're absolutely right. Live TV can blow up in your face. Sorry about that. You must be sick of that.

  Aidan Walsh : Of what?

  Alan Partridge : You know, being blown up, bombs.

  Aidan Walsh : I'm from Dublin. Not in Dublin.

  Paul Tool : We're from Dublin.

  Alan Partridge : But that's where you make them.

• Alan Partridge : I'm very grateful you've come over. Big fans of all the Irish stuff. Um... I love your pop music. Enya... and, uh, the other one. Ripped up the Pope. Bald chap.

• [inside Jed's Alan Partridge shrine, Jed has got Alan in a headlock after Alan tried to escape] 

  Jed Maxwell : Can you smell gas?

  Alan Partridge : [speaking hoarsely due to Jed's arm being wrapped his neck]  I think that's my breath. I ate a scotch egg. I thought it would have broken down by now but I think I'm slightly constipated. It's surprising really, considering the circumstances.

• Michael : If you ever find yourself in a situation with a concealed weapon, right, what you wanna dee is, when you draw your weapon...

  Alan Partridge : It's great, this. I love this.

  Michael : It's nae laughing matter. When you draw your weapon, right...

  [mimes pulling out a handgun] 

  Michael : Draw your weapon, make it as smooth as you possibly can. So, draw, hold, fix and fire, and then just move and fire!

  [he moves across the hotel reception area firing his imaginary gun and Alan copies him] 

  Michael : And move and fire! And move and fire! And move and fire!

  [Lynn comes around the corner and into their imaginary line of fire] 

  Alan Partridge : Get back in the lift, Lynn!

  [Lynn runs back into the lift, Alan and Michael continue their imaginary gun battle] 

  Michael : Reload!

  Susan : MICHAEL! What do you think you're doing?

  Michael : [goes back to the job he was doing before]  I'm sorry.

  [Alan and Michael look like two children who have just been told off] 

• Aidan Walsh : This is really a horrible hotel. Who stays in a place like this?

  Paul Tool : Terrible. It's so sterile here.

  Lynn Benfield : Yes, it is.

  Aidan Walsh : The staff are polite but it's as if their smiles are...

  Lynn Benfield : Painted on.

  Aidan Walsh : Yeah, exactly.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, they are. It's very false, isn't it? I mean, the great thing about this hotel is its situation. It's equidistant between London and Norwich. That's the genius of its location. Even though I do hate it and I don't live here. I just pop in for breakfast.

  Susan : Hello, Alan.

  Alan Partridge : Which is why she knows my name.