I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

The Talented Mr. Alan (2002)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : Britain has some of the safest roads in Europe. But this isn't Britain... This is der Autobahn!

• Alan Partridge : [to Lynn and Sonja]  Guess which one of you two ladies I'm going to make love with now?

• Alan Partridge : Your problem with Meteor, Lynn, is that you don't like them because they make wet T-shirt videos. It's not hardcore super-sex.

• Alan Partridge : Michael, release the headmaster!

• Alan Partridge : Calm down, Lynn! You're suffering from minor women's whiplash!

• Alan Partridge : [about to show his video to a group of school pupils]  By the way, there are some strobe effects in this, so please, any epileptics, get out now. Because, statistically, one of you is. And two of you are gay. By the way, guys, if you are gay, please remember, rubber up. At your age it's still illegal. You don't want to end up in prison. Where some of those guys don't care how old you are. Or if you're gay.

• Alan Partridge : [heading into his caravan to have sex with Sonja]  Come on, Sonja, let's be appalling.

• Alan Partridge : I've got a girlfriend. She's only 33. Cashback.

• Alan Partridge : I'd like the office to double as a chill-out room.

  Builder : I didn't think you were a raver.

  Alan Partridge : I'm not a raver, I'm straight.

• Builder : You see what I done in the toilet?

  Alan Partridge : [looks worried]  What do you mean?

  Builder : Well, I re-tiled it.

  Alan Partridge : Oh, right.

• Alan Partridge : [meeting an old schoolmate who used to play pranks on him]  I've got a girlfriend.

  Phil Wiley : I've got a wife.

  Alan Partridge : Is she older than you or younger than you?

  Phil Wiley : Well, if you must know, Alan, she's older than me, she's 52.

  Alan Partridge : My girlfriend's 33. I'm 47, she's 14 years younger than me. Back of the net!

• Alan Partridge : [to a group of school pupils]  Hi, kids. It's great to be back in my fine old school. I nearly sent my son Fernando here, but I came into some money and was able to educate him privately. You can't muck about when it comes to your own kids.

• Frank Raphael : What an appalling thing to say. You've placed me in a rather invidious position.

  Alan Partridge : Don't know that word, carry on.

  Frank Raphael : You leave the school again and we're left with a detritus.

  Alan Partridge : Knock it off with the fancy words, mate. Say it like it is. It went tits up.

• Frank Raphael : If there's anything you need, just let me know, Alan.

  [to Lynn] 

  Frank Raphael : Or you, Mrs. Partridge.

  Alan Partridge : [shouting after Frank Raphael as he walks away]  She's not my wife! I hate it when that happens.

• Alan Partridge : [in a video]  Hi, I'm Alan Partridge. And I drive a car, but not like THIS!

  [footage of a car crash plays] 

• Lynn Benfield : Do you need me to be there?

  Alan Partridge : I don't need you anywhere. I'd like you to be there.

• Alan Partridge : [to Lynn]  OK, what have you got for me? Shoot from your hip. Your new hip.

• Alan Partridge : Basically, terrestrial TV is a dead duck. And who watches a dead duck? Not even its mother. She just flies off, depressed.

• [in the petrol station where Michael works, Alan is briefly manning the till while Michael is in the stockroom] 

  Alan Partridge : [looks at the cash card a customer has just handed over]  F. Raphael. That's funny, I used to have a teacher at school called Frank Raphael. Sweaty Raphael, we used to call him, he had great big sweating stains under his armpits. I've just realised it's you. How the devil are you?

• Alan Partridge : [wearing a builder's hard hat with 'BOSS' written on it]  Even though it is amusing, there is a serious reason why I'm wearing this, Lynn. Insurance. And no offence, Lynn...

  Lynn Benfield : Oh, none taken.

  Alan Partridge : You don't know what I'm going to say. Wait til I've said what I'm going to say before you decide not to take offence. You see, no offence, Lynn, but your life is technically not worth insuring.

• Alan Partridge : [points towards a shelf in the petrol station shop]  You're low on bodyline brushable joint sealer.

  Michael : Oh, aye, we are. Captain Partridge, would you look after the fort while I gan on a resupply mission?

  Alan Partridge : You work in a petrol station, Michael. It's not the Gulf War. Which, ironically, is like a large petrol station.

• Alan Partridge : [in a video, after a clip of crash drummies in a car crash test]  Thankfully that man was plastic.

  [to a female model in a sexy police costume] 

  Alan Partridge : You can stop giggling or I'll take down your particulars!

• Alan Partridge : OK, Lynn, what do you think of the polo neck? Balls out of the bath on this one.

  Lynn Benfield : I think it's rather snazzy.

  Alan Partridge : I think your hair's snazzy. Is that your mother's money coming through?

  Lynn Benfield : Yes.

  Alan Partridge : All part of the bereavement dividend.

  Lynn Benfield : Well, I had to change her sheets every day for 10 years.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, I don't know how you managed it. She was a bit of a heffalump, God rest her soul. Yeah, she was a big woman. I'm tempted to say she was big-hearted but that would be bullshit.

• Alan Partridge : [presenting his radio show]  I'm off now. Time to leave you in the very capable hands of Dave Clifton, who's going to be with you until 4 am, with his nightclub. What you got lined up for us, Dave?

  Dave Clifton : Actually it's ladies night, tonight. Special night.

  Alan Partridge : Woo-hoo. Maybe a wet T-shirt competition?

  Dave Clifton : Ooo, you never know, could be, could be.

  Alan Partridge : How does that work on radio?

  Dave Clifton : You gotta use your imagination, Alan, actually, and uh, I'll tell you what, there's rather a lot of ladies in here tonight.

  [he plays a sound effect of women cheering] 

  Dave Clifton : Oh, oh, steady girls, steady. Ha ha ha. Ooh, I'm all wet.

  Alan Partridge : I can hear 'em, I can't see 'em.

• Lynn Benfield : Alan, there's that teacher chap!

  Alan Partridge : Michael, if he hits me, will you hit him first?

  Michael : No, he's a customer, I cannet hit customers. I've been told. Er, I'll go get some stock.

  [he goes into the back room of the shop] 

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, chicken stock!

• Alan Partridge : [takes a bite of a microwaved apple turnover]  AAARGH! Jesus! God! How long did you put this in for, Lynn?

  Lynn Benfield : Eight minutes.

  Alan Partridge : It's hotter than the sun!

• Alan Partridge : You speak like you're from the 19th century. And you sweat.

  Frank Raphael : Well, I'd like to see you sweat over your work like I do over mine.

  Alan Partridge : Well, I don't because I use Lynx Africa.

• Alan Partridge : [in an argument with his old school teacher]  Gonna cane me?

  Frank Raphael : No, but I might throw a chair at you.

  Alan Partridge : It's still corporal punishment. See you in Strasbourg.

• [clip at the end of the title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : [with his mouth full, eating an ice lolly]  See you later.