I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

The Colour of Alan (2002)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Photos 

Quotes 

• [at Norwich Station, Alan has set up a stand to promote his autobiography, "Bouncing Back"] 

  Alan Partridge : [speaking into a PA system]  Hello, commuters with your computers. This book would fit ideally into, er, an attache case or the thigh pocket of a pair of fashionable combat trousers. Er, not like those massive Stephen King books. They should be on wheels, shouldn't they? Yeah. It's embarrassing. Idiot. For £10 you get a very good book and a free torch - a Danco nightstick, as used in futuristic series The X-Files. There's a demonstration model tied to the chair with a skipping rope by that woman.

  [an old woman in the crowd in front of him asks him a question] 

  Alan Partridge : What? What is it you want? Train for Lowestoft is on platform 4. It leaves in... 5 minutes, so better learn to jog again quickly. No, seriously, run. You will miss it.

  [goes back to talking about the book] 

  Alan Partridge : This book is a top business aid. As I'm sure, er, as I'm sure you are, sir. Look at that, not even listening. Off to London, no doubt. Go to London, I guarantee you'll either be mugged or not appreciated. Catch the train to London, stopping at Rejection, Disappointment, Backstabbing Central and Shattered Dreams Parkway.

• Alan Partridge : I'd just like to fly a helicopter all round Norfolk. You know, swoop down over a field, scare a donkey so it falls into a river. And hover over one of those annoying families that go on holidays on bikes, you know, and shout at them "GET OUT OF THE AREA!" and watch them panic.

  Michael : Me, I'd-I'd-I'd have a, an Apache attack helicopter.

  Alan Partridge : Ah, great.

  Michael : Aye. I'd gan back to school. First I'd take oot the labs.

  [makes machine gun noises] 

  Michael : And then I'd type into the attack computer 'Mr Cragg, chemistry teacher'.

  [makes an explosion noise] 

  Michael : Blow him to bits.

  Alan Partridge : [chuckles]  Oh yeah. I know the feeling.

  Michael : [getting increasingly intense]  And then I'd gan looking for Tom Donaldson. I'd be hovering, just doon the road from his hoose, there. And he'd see us, but I'd duck down behind the trees, and he thinks he's safe, right? And he's just about to put the key in his front door, and I come up from behind the hedge.

  [mimes flying a helicopter, making the noise] 

  Michael : "Hello, you bastard!"' He panics, right, and he gans in the hoose, so I get the 30-millimetre cannon and I take out the fish pond...

  [makes machine gun noises] 

  Michael : Koi carp in there, at £40 each, right? And then I just tilt the helicopter over to one side...

  [makes machine gun noises] 

  Michael : And the machine gun bullets is chewing up the drive, right? He comes oot - "Oh no! Not me Triumph Stag! I've just had it resprayed!"

  [makes machine gun noises] 

  Michael : I cut it right in half, right? And then he gans "Ahhh!" He runs up on to the garage roof. I say "Right. This is for you, Tom!" He goes, "No, no!" He's begging us, he's begging us, man. "No! Please! Don't!"

  [mimes firing a missile and makes an explosion noise] 

  Michael : And then I'd fly off to Cornwall and I'd just smash into the sea in a big ball of flames.

  [awkward silence] 

  Alan Partridge : [getting up to leave]  Sleep well, Michael. Um, who's Tom Donaldson?

  Michael : Oh, he's just a mate.

• Piet Morant : [South African accent]  NO, YOU CAN'T!

  Alan Partridge : [thinking he's said another word beginning with C]  Well, there's no need for that! I only wanted to do a couple of jokes.

  Piet Morant : YOU CAN'T!

  Alan Partridge : You've done it again! You've said it again! Just because I've got a shit table?

• Alan Partridge : [in pain and struggling to stay conscious after impaling his foot on a spike and bleeding heavily]  Ah-haaaaa! What a year it's been for Dante. Fires. Maybe you're here tonight with a wife or an old flame. But what is the burning issue? Hit your targets or you'll be... fired. But today's also about fun. Have you all got your fun packs? I've got one here. Dropped it. It's all right. I've got a list. Here. It should contain a torch, a CurlyWurly, a book of stamps, a free digital watch with denim strap, a vodka miniature, a Bic-style razor and a copy of the Daily Express. Ooooooh, it's a good paper. Now, first award tonight is for best - Christ. Not Christ. Er, sorry, I keep saying 'Christ'. Er, I know some of you may be religious and to those people I apologi...

  [he vomits behind the podium. Then he accidentally presses a button for an explosion he's had rigged up, glittery paper flies into the air and flutters down] 

  Alan Partridge : Sorry. I was supposed to hit that later. I'll just wait for it to finish. A, a glittering year ahead. You might want to read your Daily Express. Don't shine that torch in my face, mate. I've just lost a pint of blood. On now as we look at a fantastic year for Direct Minster - I'm going to be sick again.

  [he retches repeatedly] 

  Alan Partridge : You know that feeling when there's nothing coming up? Urrgh. Jesus.

  [he retches some more] 

  Alan Partridge : August knocked the trend for downturn in fireplace sales...

  [he starts retching again] 

  Alan Partridge : Oh, I sound like the devil. Foot's come out my shoe. That's not going back in again. You want some more glitter?

  [he sets off another glitter explosion] 

  Alan Partridge : Two grand, that cost. I was gonna give out some... some awards. But, er, that's not going to happen. I mean, look at me. Go and eat some coffee. Erm, drink it. It's soup you can eat - but not so liquid.

  [he leaves the podium] 

• Sonja : [holding a pair of cushions with her's and Alan's faces on them]  You just take normal photograph into Snappy Snaps and he put photo on cushion. This cushion is called scatter cushion, it's brilliant. I call it scatter love cushion. Because it represent my love for Alan.

  Builder : You could sit on his face.

  [the other builder laughs] 

  Sonja : What do you mean?

  Builder : You could sit on Alan's face, you know. It's a joke.

  Sonja : [starts hitting the builders with the cushions]  It's very filthy joke! Alan is hitting you!

  Alan Partridge : [intervening]  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That's English for stop a horse!

  Sonja : He is being very disgusting.

  Alan Partridge : What did he say?

  Sonja : He say I sit on your face.

  Alan Partridge : [to the builders]  Have you been spying on us?

• Alan Partridge : You married?

  Builder : Yeah.

  Alan Partridge : Divorced. I've got access to the kids but they don't wanna see me!

• Alan Partridge : Let me tell you a bit about the set-up here. You can't use the toilet... because it's blocked.

• [at Norwich Station, Alan has set up a stand to promote his autobiography, "Bouncing Back". By now no one in the station is taking any notice of it anymore] 

  Lynn Benfield : Alan, Alan! There! It's Piet Morant from Dante Fires, he's just got off the train!

  Alan Partridge : He can't see me.

  Lynn Benfield : Why not?

  Alan Partridge : To the untrained eye, this could look like it's rubbish and I haven't bounced back.

• Alan Partridge : What part of Birmingham are you from?

  Piet Morant : No, Alan, I'm actually from South Africa.

  Alan Partridge : Oh yes, of course.

  [in a South African accent] 

  Alan Partridge : I should have 'gissed'.

• Alan Partridge : Michael's in charge of our, er, internet computer.

  Michael : Aye. There's nae porn on it!

  Alan Partridge : [to Piet]  Did you understand that?

  Piet Morant : No.

  Alan Partridge : Good.

• Lynn Benfield : [to Alan, as Michael gets out a cigarette]  Do you want to tell Michael there's no smoking in the house?

  Alan Partridge : [to Michael]  Er, there's actually no smoking in the house.

  Michael : [to Alan]  Do you want to tell her whose hoose it is?

  Alan Partridge : [to Lynn]  It's my house.

  Michael : [to Lynn]  If you've got owt to say, you can say it to me face.

  Lynn Benfield : It's a matter of hygiene.

  Alan Partridge : [arms up, coming between them]  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Back off, seconds out, round one, ding ding! Ah, I'd never let that happen. He'd batter you.

• Alan Partridge : We normally have three clocks on the wall there, telling the time in London, Paris... and Dublin. Which is the same as London but I do think sometimes you need to be reminded of that.

• Alan Partridge : Welcome aboard the good ship... 'My house'.

• Alan Partridge : [about the Choristers country club]  The security is terrible. They'd probably even let someone like you in.

  Michael : That's ridiculous.

  Alan Partridge : I know. And the person who stole your front door.

• [Michael is staying at Alan's house, which is still under construction so he's on a garden chair instead of a bed] 

  Alan Partridge : Hello, Michael. Do you want to be on your own?

  Michael : Oh, no. No, fine, it's nice to have a bit of company, you know? Keep the demons at bay.

• Sonja : You want eat?

  Alan Partridge : What have we got?

  Sonja : We got eggs, we got chicken...

  Alan Partridge : Which came first?

  Sonja : Well, I just buy the chicken on Thursday...

  Alan Partridge : [disappointed that Sonja doesn't get his joke]  Yeah, yeah, chicken's fine.

• Alan Partridge : The security is terrible here. I actually booked the room under the name of the Real IRA. They didn't bat an eyelid. I'll just go and tell them it's me.

  [as Alan opens the door to the room, two police officers can be seen inside. He goes inside and shuts the door. A moment later he comes back out] 

  Alan Partridge : We've got to get out of here.

  Piet Morant : What's the problem?

  Alan Partridge : Crossed wires.

• Alan Partridge : Sorry, it's a bit of a building site. I mean, technically you should have a hat hard-on. What am I saying? I mean a hat hard-on. I've done it again!

• Alan Partridge : [presenting his radio show]  That was Roxanne by The Police, or, as they're now known, Sting. A song there about a prostitute. Doesn't say what her surname is. Must give her a call sometime. Although the effects of 23 years on the game would not render her pleasurable to mine eye.

  [he makes a weird cough noise] 

• Alan Partridge : Hi, John.

  John - Builder : [Yorkshire accent]  Al. Yeah, we've concreted the floor.

  Alan Partridge : No bodies underneath there, I hope.

  John - Builder : What?

  Alan Partridge : Ah, just joshing with you, y'know?

  [does a Yorkshire accent] 

  Alan Partridge : Have you put t'corpse under t'patio? I expect you get that all the time.

  John - Builder : Not really.

  Alan Partridge : Actually, that skirting board does seem a bit too low. Could you change it again?

  [John rips it off the wall and throws it down, then walks away] 

  Alan Partridge : [to the other builder, in a Yorkshire accent]  Eeee, 'appen 'e thinks I'm a right indecisive tit!

  Builder : I don't think he likes it when you do that accent.

  Alan Partridge : Well, well... Well, I'll stop, then.

• Alan Partridge : [clip at the end of the title sequence]  How can you set fire to your hands?

• Alan Partridge : [complaining about the security at the country club]  They know who I am, you know, but you could be a sex offender. All right, yes, you've come to use the excellent facilities but you're still a sex offender.

  Piet Morant : But I'm not a sex offender.

  Alan Partridge : It's all right, they won't ask you about it.

  Piet Morant : But I'm not a sex offender!

  Alan Partridge : Hey, that's something we've got in common.

• [Alan is presenting his radio show. He plays a jingle] 

  Alan Partridge : [recorded voice]  Alan's funny stories.

  Alan Partridge : Just time for one quick funny story before the news. On line 4 we have Roy from Bungay. Hello, Roy.

  Caller : Hello.

  Alan Partridge : Funny story, what is it?

  Caller : I sold this Makita cordless power drill in the local paper and then 6 months later I received the very same one back as a Christmas present from my brother-in-law, minus the power pack.

  Alan Partridge : I see. So you, uh... the present you gave away, you then got back?

  Caller : Yeah, that's it. Goodbye.

  [dial tone sound] 

  Alan Partridge : [laughs]  What a funny story.

  [he plays the jingle again] 

  Alan Partridge : [recorded voice]  Alan's funny stories.

  Alan Partridge : That is a funny story.

  [he does a little laugh again. He looks at the clock on the wall, there's still 17 seconds to go before 12 o'clock. He does a bit of forced laughter again] 

  Alan Partridge : I wonder who got the power pack.

  [the clock still has 10 seconds to go, Alan watches it and continues to repeat the same forced laugh to fill the time] 

  Alan Partridge : [as the clock strikes 12 o'clock]  News.

• [Alan is about to give a speech at awards ceremony for an electric fire company, but he's just impaled his foot on a fence spike and it's bleeding heavily] 

  Lynn Benfield : Oh, look at you, Alan. You should be in hospital!

  Alan Partridge : Lynn, some of these people have come from Stoke.

• Sonja : [getting a chicken out of the fridge]  It's empty.

  Alan Partridge : What do you mean?

  Sonja : The chicken is empty.

  Alan Partridge : What do you mean, it's empty? What, do you mean it's hollow?

  Sonja : There isn't chicken inside the chicken.

  Alan Partridge : You didn't buy a display model, did you?

  Sonja : The, the, the insides.

  Alan Partridge : You mean the giblets?

  Sonja : Yes, giblets, yes, where is that?

  Alan Partridge : But it's awful!

  Sonja : Well, I like them.

  Alan Partridge : They might eat them in your country, sweetheart, we don't here. I don't want to eat an intestine or a chicken heart on a... on a mini-muffin. That's like some sort of voodoo canape.

• Alan Partridge : Can you imagine if we were the last two people on Earth, camped out up here?

  Michael : Cor, aye, yeah, hey, we'd, we'd have to breed.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, I think I'd prefer to adopt. Men can these days.

• Alan Partridge : Jacka-nacka-nory.