I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Never Say Alan Again (2002)

Felicity Montagu: Lynn Benfield

Photos 

Quotes 

• [in a graveyard] 

  Lynn Benfield : Snazzy headstone there.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah. That's one of those eighties ones, isn't it? Black granite. It's a waste, really, because if you sliced that three-wise and laid it end-to-end, you'd have the lion's share of the work surface for a Poggenpohl kitchen. In fact, if a lot of these gravestones go missing, I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up as the work surfaces in luxury kitchens. They'd have to turn them upside down, of course, so that, you know, it didn't reveal the details of the dead, in recessed lettering, which would also collect crumbs.

• Sonja : Can we finish writing the Bond schedule?

  Lynn Benfield : Oh, you've made allowances for the visit to my mother's grave?

  Alan Partridge : Yes, that's in the schedule. Visit to your mother's grave, then Dr. No. The underground base of an evil genius... and then Dr. No!

• Lynn Benfield : [entering the caravan]  Hello.

  [Alan whirls around like James Bond in the gun-barrel opening] 

  Lynn Benfield : [mimes shooting him]  Bang, bang, bang, bang!

  Alan Partridge : You look like you quite enjoyed that.

  [Lynn mimes shooting a machine gun and makes the noise] 

  Alan Partridge : Was that a snub-nosed Uzi?

  Lynn Benfield : Yes, I think it was.

• Sonja : If you make him take you to grave, we'll be late for film and then all work we did will be destroyed.

  Lynn Benfield : Can't you cut one of the less important films?

  Alan Partridge : Woah, woah-woah-woah-woah-woah, woah, woah! Woooah, woah-woah-woah-woah... Which are the less important Bond films, Lynn? I've got to hear this.

  Lynn Benfield : One of those Welsh ones.

  Alan Partridge : What, do you mean the Timothy Dalton ones?

  Lynn Benfield : Mmm.

  Alan Partridge : He didn't play it as a Welshman. He didn't say "The name's Bond..."

  [in a Welsh accent] 

  Alan Partridge : "Jones the Bond." "Double-O Theven" "Licence to Kill-chhh"

• Alan Partridge : [about Lynn's dead mother]  She's probably up there in heaven right now, complaining about, what did she used to call them? Brown people. I'll give her this, Lynn, she stuck to her guns with all that, right to the end. Even on the last day, the way she looked at that nurse... God rest her racist soul. She'd be horrified, I mean, Jesus was from the Middle East.

  Lynn Benfield : Was he? Jesus wasn't brown.

  Alan Partridge : Lynn, let's not have that discussion now.