I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Never Say Alan Again (2002)

Simon Greenall: Michael

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sonja : The Spy Who Loved Me is a brilliant film. It begin in forest in Germany...

  Alan Partridge : [irritated]  It's Austria! Austriaaa!

  Builder : What's the one where the laser beam goes up his jaffas?

  Alan Partridge : Goldfingerrr!

  Michael : What's the one with the, with the volcano, and it splits up and a big rocket comes oot, there's all chinkies dropping doon?

  Tex : Isn't that, er, Thunderball?

  Alan Partridge : No, no, no! No! Stop getting Bond wrong! I'll tell you about The Spy Who Loved Me. All do that with your fingers round your eye.

  [he uses his thumb and forefinger to make a circle and holds it up to his eye. The others do the same] 

  Alan Partridge : [imitates the James Bond gun barrel opening]  I'm Roger Moore. Bang! Blood dribbles down. We're on a submarine. Two sailors sit down and have a game of chess. Then the cups start wobbling and then a man who used to be in The Onedin Line comes in and goes "Why are the cups wobbling? What's going on?" And then... yeah, you can stop doing that now.

  [the others stop making circles round their eyes with their fingers] 

  Alan Partridge : And then he peers down the periscope thing and looks through it and goes, "Oh my God. The submarine's being eaten by a giant tanker." And then we cut to Moscow. And there's a man there and he's Russian, he's got eyebrows, you know, and he's on the phone going "What, a whole submarine? You're joking! I'm gonna have to tell some other Russians. See ya!" Right, and then, and then it cuts to James - Roger Moore - and er, yes, he's with a lady. Yeah, yeah. He's, he's necking with her. And he goes, "I've got to go, love. Something's come up."

  Michael : [giggles]  Aye, he means his cock!

  Alan Partridge : [getting increasingly animated]  Anyway, then he, he, he puts on his underpants and his ski suit and he gets on his skis and he starts skiing. And he's being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits with lemon piping. And, er, he's just skiing along like that, and they start shooting at him, and he goes "Right, I've had enough of that! Just stop it!" And he turns round with his gun and then he does a backward somersault off this ramp and he lands on his feet, uh, I'm not sure why, but he's not showing off. And then, then he goes over a cliff and he's falling and you think, oh God, James Bond's going to die! He's going to die! But then at the last minute...

  Michael : He pulls a ripcord, right? And a, and a parachute comes oot and it's got a Union Jack on it...

  Alan Partridge : MICHAEL! MICHAEL!

  Michael : But that's how it ends!

  Alan Partridge : That's not the end of the beginning. The end of the beginning goes like this:

  [sings "Nobody Does It Better" and acts out the title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : Glang! Glangalangalangalangalangalang! Glangalang, langalangala, nobody does it better - and I'm a naked woman in silhouette with a gun, spinning round - Makes me feel sad for the rest. Nobody does it - ooh, bit of nipple - quite as good as you. Baby, you're the best. Da, da, da - and now a really big bounce right over and I land on my feet. Da, da, da, da, daa. I wasn't looking and somehow you found me - ooh, bit of bush, er - I tried to hide from your love light - and a woman swinging on a Luger, a giant Luger, ooh, look at that - Like heaven above me - and now another naked woman walking along the top of a gun, completely Billy Bollocks - The spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe tonight - and then one more big swing from the woman, legs go right apart - ooh, what was that? Too late - Nobody does it half as good as you, baby you're the best!

  Sonja : [clapping]  Yes! Brilliant!

  [the others give Alan a round of applause] 

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, so, uh, do you want to hear some more?

  [cut to the others watching America's Strongest Man, while Alan childishly play-acts James Bond outside on his own] 

• Alan Partridge : Have you taped over The Spy Who Loved Me with America's Strongest Man?

  Michael : [nervously getting up and sitting at a different place on the sofa away from Tex]  No, I haven't! It was Terry, I gave him the tape, he's done it, it's his fault!

  Tex : I'm really sorry, I... I-I-I-I, I really wanted to see America's Strongest Man.

  Alan Partridge : Well, now you've got Norfolk's maddest man!

• Michael : [talking about James Bond films]  Hey, I love the gadgets.

  [picks up a pen] 

  Michael : It's like, "Pay attention, Bond. Simply remove the top of this pen, jab it in somebody's eye and smash it in with your hand like that!"

  Alan Partridge : That's not a gadget, Michael. That's just monstrous use of a biro.

• Michael : Alan likes James Bond.

  Tex : Ah, you're a Bond guy, are you? My man's gotta be Wayne.

  Alan Partridge : What, Wayne Sleep?

  [indicates Tex's cowboy jacket with stringy bits] 

  Alan Partridge : It's just the jacket and the boots, you know.

  Tex : No, you know, Wayne. Uh...

  [does a John Wayne impression] 

  Tex : "Get off yer horse and drink yer milk."

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, yeah, Wayne Sleep.

• Alan Partridge : [after meeting Michael's friend Tex in the petrol station]  So, uh, how long's "Like a rhinestone cowboy" been coming in here?

  Michael : Well, aboot 18 month. No, 2 year. Aye, 2 year.

  Alan Partridge : Do you chat to any other men?

  Michael : Aye, including you, uh, 4 regulars, like.

  Alan Partridge : Michael, what the hell's going on?

  Michael : Well, it's just, you know, men who want someone to talk to, you know? They're just, they're just... lonely. Look, I cannet not talk to the customers, man. Look, what does it say on me badge? "Michael, I'm here to help"

  Alan Partridge : No, it doesn't, it just says "Michael".

  Michael : [looks at his name badge]  Oh, aye, it does.

  Alan Partridge : Why did you think it said the rest?

  Michael : I don't know. I must have dreamt it.

• [on his radio show, Alan has asked his listeners which celebrity they would like to spend a bank holiday with and what would they do] 

  Caller : I'd like to go round Legoland with Sean Connery and then afterwards we'd go for a lovely lamb lunch in the centre of Windsor.

  Alan Partridge : Gotta say, Roy, I don't think that's Connery's cup of tea. I think Sean would rather do something like wander round the wildfowl park in Pepperstock with a

  [in a Scottish accent] 

  Alan Partridge : bottle o' scotch!

  Caller : I don't agree. He'd go to Legoland. Bye.

  [dial tone sound] 

• Alan Partridge : It's interesting, Michael, this obsession you have with American things, and yet you work for British Petroleum. I mean, hello!

  Michael : [confused]  Hello.

  Alan Partridge : No, it's a thing people say!