I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Never Say Alan Again (2002)

Amelia Bullmore: Sonja

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sonja : The Spy Who Loved Me is a brilliant film. It begin in forest in Germany...

  Alan Partridge : [irritated]  It's Austria! Austriaaa!

  Builder : What's the one where the laser beam goes up his jaffas?

  Alan Partridge : Goldfingerrr!

  Michael : What's the one with the, with the volcano, and it splits up and a big rocket comes oot, there's all chinkies dropping doon?

  Tex : Isn't that, er, Thunderball?

  Alan Partridge : No, no, no! No! Stop getting Bond wrong! I'll tell you about The Spy Who Loved Me. All do that with your fingers round your eye.

  [he uses his thumb and forefinger to make a circle and holds it up to his eye. The others do the same] 

  Alan Partridge : [imitates the James Bond gun barrel opening]  I'm Roger Moore. Bang! Blood dribbles down. We're on a submarine. Two sailors sit down and have a game of chess. Then the cups start wobbling and then a man who used to be in The Onedin Line comes in and goes "Why are the cups wobbling? What's going on?" And then... yeah, you can stop doing that now.

  [the others stop making circles round their eyes with their fingers] 

  Alan Partridge : And then he peers down the periscope thing and looks through it and goes, "Oh my God. The submarine's being eaten by a giant tanker." And then we cut to Moscow. And there's a man there and he's Russian, he's got eyebrows, you know, and he's on the phone going "What, a whole submarine? You're joking! I'm gonna have to tell some other Russians. See ya!" Right, and then, and then it cuts to James - Roger Moore - and er, yes, he's with a lady. Yeah, yeah. He's, he's necking with her. And he goes, "I've got to go, love. Something's come up."

  Michael : [giggles]  Aye, he means his cock!

  Alan Partridge : [getting increasingly animated]  Anyway, then he, he, he puts on his underpants and his ski suit and he gets on his skis and he starts skiing. And he's being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits with lemon piping. And, er, he's just skiing along like that, and they start shooting at him, and he goes "Right, I've had enough of that! Just stop it!" And he turns round with his gun and then he does a backward somersault off this ramp and he lands on his feet, uh, I'm not sure why, but he's not showing off. And then, then he goes over a cliff and he's falling and you think, oh God, James Bond's going to die! He's going to die! But then at the last minute...

  Michael : He pulls a ripcord, right? And a, and a parachute comes oot and it's got a Union Jack on it...

  Alan Partridge : MICHAEL! MICHAEL!

  Michael : But that's how it ends!

  Alan Partridge : That's not the end of the beginning. The end of the beginning goes like this:

  [sings "Nobody Does It Better" and acts out the title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : Glang! Glangalangalangalangalangalang! Glangalang, langalangala, nobody does it better - and I'm a naked woman in silhouette with a gun, spinning round - Makes me feel sad for the rest. Nobody does it - ooh, bit of nipple - quite as good as you. Baby, you're the best. Da, da, da - and now a really big bounce right over and I land on my feet. Da, da, da, da, daa. I wasn't looking and somehow you found me - ooh, bit of bush, er - I tried to hide from your love light - and a woman swinging on a Luger, a giant Luger, ooh, look at that - Like heaven above me - and now another naked woman walking along the top of a gun, completely Billy Bollocks - The spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe tonight - and then one more big swing from the woman, legs go right apart - ooh, what was that? Too late - Nobody does it half as good as you, baby you're the best!

  Sonja : [clapping]  Yes! Brilliant!

  [the others give Alan a round of applause] 

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, so, uh, do you want to hear some more?

  [cut to the others watching America's Strongest Man, while Alan childishly play-acts James Bond outside on his own] 

• Alan Partridge : You could be a Bond femme fatale, with your broken English. You're sexy, but I don't trust you!

  Sonja : James Bond doesn't live in a caravan.

  Alan Partridge : No, but this could be very easily be a compact Swiss chalet. About to be stormed by 15 bad bastards in boiler suits.

• Alan Partridge : [going through his James Bond videos]  Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps. What's this doing here?

  Sonja : I got it for 90 p's in a brilliant charity shop called Scope.

  Alan Partridge : Scope. Why did they change the name and ruin it? Consignia and Scope, it's the Post Office and The Spastics Society!

• Sonja : Can we finish writing the Bond schedule?

  Lynn Benfield : Oh, you've made allowances for the visit to my mother's grave?

  Alan Partridge : Yes, that's in the schedule. Visit to your mother's grave, then Dr. No. The underground base of an evil genius... and then Dr. No!

• Alan Partridge : Right, Sonja, let's sort this timetable out. 9am - Dr. No. Break for a pee. I need at least 3 minutes to urinate. Seems to take forever these days. I never thought, when I was in my twenties, I'd have to push.

  Sonja : [writing in a notebook]  Next?

  Alan Partridge : 11:05 - From Russia With Love. 1:15 - Goldfinger. Strawberry Nesquilk, fishcakes. 3:35 - Thunderball, dump, put question mark. See how I feel after the fishcakes.

  Sonja : How long?

  Alan Partridge : 20 minutes. Better allow for complications. 6:15 - You Only Live Twice. Tin of Director's. 8:20 - Diamonds Are Forever. Put the roast on as soon as you see the moon buggy.

  Sonja : You are very brilliant. This is a clever schedule.

  Alan Partridge : Thank you.

  [he pats her on the head] 

• Sonja : If you make him take you to grave, we'll be late for film and then all work we did will be destroyed.

  Lynn Benfield : Can't you cut one of the less important films?

  Alan Partridge : Woah, woah-woah-woah-woah-woah, woah, woah! Woooah, woah-woah-woah-woah... Which are the less important Bond films, Lynn? I've got to hear this.

  Lynn Benfield : One of those Welsh ones.

  Alan Partridge : What, do you mean the Timothy Dalton ones?

  Lynn Benfield : Mmm.

  Alan Partridge : He didn't play it as a Welshman. He didn't say "The name's Bond..."

  [in a Welsh accent] 

  Alan Partridge : "Jones the Bond." "Double-O Theven" "Licence to Kill-chhh"