I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

I Know What Alan Did Last Summer (2002)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : [about Sonja's full English breakfast]  I've made a few notes. Yes, uh... Bacon, 10 on 10. Button mushrooms, bingo. Black pudding, snap. Minor criticism, more distance between the eggs and the beans. I may want to mix them but I want that to be my decision. Use a sausage as a breakwater. But I'm nit-picking, on the whole, a very good effort - 7 on 10. Let's make love.

• Alan Partridge : I'm shit-chatting, sorry, chit-shatting.

• Alan Partridge : That was the best full English breakfast I've had since Gary Wilmot's wedding.

  Sonja : It was ruddy superb?

  Alan Partridge : Oh, yeah. I'd have that three times a day if I could, but I'd be dead!

  Sonja : It kill you?

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, it's cholesterol. Scottish people eat it. Few of them make 60.

• Sonja : Alan, I buy you another present.

  Alan Partridge : What?

  Sonja : [holds up a toy car]  It's a London love taxi. I have put my heart in back of taxi and tell driver to go to you.

  Alan Partridge : Aaah. Don't know what you're talking about.

  [he puts it in an cabinet full of other London touristy gifts] 

  Alan Partridge : I'll just pop that up there with the others. Getting a bit crowded now. Like London. Which I spell S-H-I-T-H-O-L-E, shithole!

• Alan Partridge : [needs to talk to Lynn about Sonja, who is still in the caravan]  Speak very quickly. She can't understand it.

• Alan Partridge : [Sonja has brought home a giant Beefeater teddy bear]  Sonja, Beefeaters do not live in caravans! They live in the Tower of London and they are restaurants!

• Lynn Benfield : Have you decided what you're going to call the house?

  Alan Partridge : I've narrowed it down to "Lord House", "Ace House" and "The Cinnamons".

• Alan Partridge : [presenting his radio show, about to play a song]  Who's this beautiful blonde man with lovely voice? It's Annie Lennox.

• Alan Partridge : [clip at the end of the title sequence]  Fat arms, big beards and that's just the men - women.

• Alan Partridge : Lynn, what do you think is Sonja's best feature?

  Lynn Benfield : Her hair?

  Alan Partridge : Nope.

  Lynn Benfield : Her neck?

  Alan Partridge : Try again.

  Lynn Benfield : Her eyes? Her eyelashes?

  Alan Partridge : [cuts her off]  It's going to take forever, no - it's her feet. Lovely dainty feet. I don't like big feet. Reminds me of gammon.

• Lynn Benfield : You're completely ready for the Inland Revenue? Have you got all your receipts?

  Alan Partridge : Yes. Some are on a spike over there, you've got some in a fat envelope and the rest are in a shoe box which I threw off a ferry. That was a low point.

• Alan Partridge : [to two women from the Inland Revenue]  Ah, wolves at the door! You'll huff and you'll puff and, uh... Where's the other one, where's the other pig?

• Alan Partridge : Do you want to go to prison? Do you? Do you want to go to prison?

  Sonja : You tell me prison is very cushy. Is like holiday camps.

  Alan Partridge : I was making a point about something else.

• [Sonja wants to go to Bono's house, who Alan claims he is friends with, so Alan has taken her to Blickling Hall, a stately home open to the public, and is telling her it's Bono's house] 

  Sonja : [in the car park]  Who are all these cars?

  Alan Partridge : These are all Bono's.

  Sonja : All these cars?

  Alan Partridge : Yeah. He's got the biggest collection of, uh, hatchbacks in the country.

• Alan Partridge : [about the Inland Revenue women who are paying a visit]  Sonja, these are very important people.

  Sonja : [points at one of them]  She wears no make-up!

• Michael : [about Sonja]  Mind, she was sexy. You know? She wore a g-strap!

  Alan Partridge : Yes, well, that's for hygiene reasons too, it lets the buttocks breathe.

• [two women from Inland Revenue women are in Alan's caravan. He crouches behind a kitchen cabinet and holds up a teddy bear] 

  Alan Partridge : [in a funny voice]  Hello! My name's Graham. Erm, don't be horrible to Alan. He doesn't avoid tax, he only evades tax, no, it's other way round...

  [gets up and throws the teddy down] 

  Alan Partridge : Oh, shut up!

• Alan Partridge : [Sonja has split up with Alan]  I don't know what I'm gonna do, you know? We have it off all the time.

  Michael : Well, at least it'll be an end to all that London crap, eh? You know, all them Big Ben teddy bears and all that stuff. You hate London, eh?

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, oh, yeah, but there is an upside because all those small taxis and little Tower Bridges sometimes make me feel like a giant. In fact, one day, when Sonja went out, I arranged them all on the floor and I just marched around saying "Fee, fi, fo fum! I smell the blood of an ungrateful bunch of bastards."

• Alan Partridge : [presenting his radio show]  That was Bill Withers, who, thank the Lord, is still with us.