- Alan Partridge: There's Dan.
- [shouts across the car park]
- Alan Partridge: DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN!
- [stops shouting]
- Alan Partridge: Oh, er, uh, nah, he's not seen me. I'll get him later.
- [tries more one time]
- Alan Partridge: DAAAN!
- Alan Partridge: Lynn, have a word with the builder because the other day his jeans were so far off his backside, you could more-or-less see his anus.
- Karen Colman: My grandfather was in a wheelchair.
- Alan Partridge: Really? Was he born in a wheelchair? Not sure what I meant by that.
- Alan Partridge: Dan's told me all about you.
- Ceri Moody: Ooh, what did he say?
- Alan Partridge: Well, he just said he was married.
- Alan Partridge: [Dan is buying a newspaper] The Daily Mail.
- Dan Moody: Yep.
- Alan Partridge: Arguably the best newspaper in the world.
- Sonja: It will be difficult day for me today in coffee shop. There is new stock coming, I have to cut the carrot cake.
- Alan Partridge: And they say nurses have it tough.
- [Alan and Michael are talking about dolphins, Alan has just made a dolphin noise]
- Michael: Ah can dee a whale - "Oooooooooh!"
- Alan Partridge: No, that's a homosexual.
- Alan Partridge: It's amazing, we both like The Daily Mail, we both drive Lexi.
- Dan Moody: Plural.
- Alan Partridge: Plural. And we both drink Director's Bitter. It's like The X-Files, but a pleasant X-Files.
- Dan Moody: The Lex Files.
- Alan Partridge: God, that's good.
- Alan Partridge: Are you wearing Lynx?
- Dan Moody: [lifts his arm] Well smelt. Voodoo.
- Alan Partridge: [lifts his arm too] Java.
- [they shake hands]
- Alan Partridge: Alan Partridge.
- Dan Moody: Dan Moody.
- Alan Partridge: Pleased to meet you.
- Michael: Ah wear Tommy Hilfinger.
- Alan Partridge: It's "Hilfiger".
- Michael: No, it says "Hilfinger" on the bottle.
- Alan Partridge: Did you buy it down the market?
- Michael: Aye.
- Alan Partridge: Ah, that explains it.
- Alan Partridge: Can I shake your hand again?
- Dan Moody: [take a business card out of his pocket and slips it into Alan's hand as he shakes it] Take a card.
- Alan Partridge: Oh, you combined the card with a handshake?
- Dan Moody: Yeah.
- Alan Partridge: I used to do that but kept getting it wrong. Gave a paper cut to a man from Nestlé.
- Alan Partridge: [in the petrol station] Chap there parked on the wrong side of the pumps. Amazing, the number of people who still think that the petrol cap to a Ford Focus is on the offside rear.
- Michael: When will they learn?
- Alan Partridge: You know what that is, Michael? It's saaaad.
- [clip at the end of the title sequence]
- Alan Partridge: [picking something out of his plastic coffee cup] Dead daddy longlegs. I'm still drinking it.
- Alan Partridge: [doing "Alan's deep bath" on his radio show] Down to the final lather. Just relax. There's a foamy bit on your shoulder, let's make it more frothy with a squirt of light lemon liquid. Don't you feel good? Relax. Don't fall asleep and slip under, some terrible statistics about that.
- Dan Moody: [introducing Alan to his wife] Give the man a twirl, let the dog see the rabbit.
- Alan Partridge: Ooh, yeah. But which is which? Sorry! Yeah, sorry, sorry 'bout that. Obviously, I'm, I'm the dog, I'm the dog. You're a terrific rabbit.
- Michael: I believe in reincarnation, like. I, I'd like to come back as a animal, like a, a dolphin.
- Alan Partridge: [sceptically] Dolphins are quite intelligent, Michael.
- Dan Moody: Alan. How was your visit to the lavatory?
- Alan Partridge: [salutes] Er, mission accomplished. Splashdown.
- Bob Fraser: Did you see Mr. Brown and his friends off to the coast?
- Alan Partridge: Yeah. Actually, I should get a bravery award for that, I tell you. No, seriously, it was textbook.
- Michael: Nice Lexus.
- Dan Moody: Yes, I love Lexi.
- Alan Partridge: Yeah, I always have a thing I say about Lexus, it's like the, er, the
- Alan Partridge, Dan Moody: Japanese Mercedes.
- Dan Moody: Yeah, well, I hate Mercs. People who drive them are just sa-a-ad.
- Alan Partridge: [presenting his radio show] It's 1am. Calling all pigeons, there's a cat amongst you. And that cat's name is Dave Clifton, prrrrrropping up the bar at his fictional nightclub.
- Dave Clifton: Yeah, well, better being in a fictional nightclub than in a fictional bath, Alan.
- Alan Partridge: Yeah, well, better than having fictional listeners, Dave. It's bad enough sitting on your own in a real nightclub, which I've seen you do, but sitting on your own in a fictional one has got to be the worth of boast worlds.
- Dave Clifton: Sorry, Alan, don't you mean the worst of both worlds?
- Alan Partridge: Er, no, no, no, I do mean the worth of boast worlds, i.e. in a world of boasters, not the biscuits, but people who boast, like you, their worth is worth... you know.
- Alan Partridge: Since owning a Lexus, it's amazing the number of Lexi you see around. 'Cause that's the plural.
- Alan Partridge: Can I be very rude?
- [points at the TV, which is playing Dan's sex video]
- Alan Partridge: Not like that.
- Dan Moody: Try me.
- Alan Partridge: No, no, come on, pack it in, mate. I don't want to have sex with your wife. Even though, from the promotional video I can see that I would have a, a ruddy good time.
- [Alan has come to Dan's house to talk to him about a kitchen. Dan puts on a video. Sounds of heavy breathing come from the TV]
- Alan Partridge: [watching the video] That's a good stainless steel hob. Very futuristic.
- [to Dan's wife]
- Alan Partridge: That's you. You're naked.
- [to Dan]
- Alan Partridge: There's you. Hello, Dan.
- [Dan smiles at Alan in a very creepy way. Alan is feeling rather uncomfortable]
- Alan Partridge: Is that a granite work surface supporting you both? Not Corian, a man-made marble substitute?
- Dan Moody: Well, Corian is to marble and granite what MDF is to wood. I've got wood there.
- Alan Partridge: No, that's MDF. Oh, I see, you're making a joke. MDF's banned in America.
- Ceri Moody: [nods at the TV] So's that.
- [Alan stares at the TV, not liking what he's seeing but unable to look away]
- Dan Moody: [playfully trying to drag Alan away from Karen Colman] Alan Partridge, I arrest you on suspicion of sucking up to a mustard magnate.
- Alan Partridge: [resisting] You're not a copper.
- Dan Moody: Well, it's a citizen's arrest.
- Alan Partridge: Well, I'll shoot you, then. Bang.
- Dan Moody: Well, I'm wearing a bulletproof blazer!
- Alan Partridge: Well, I'll go for a head shot. Bang.
- Dan Moody: I'm the Terminator! You can't kill me!
- Alan Partridge: [fed up] I've got your kids. I've got your kids, Dan.
- [Dan, somewhat offended, lets him go]
- Michael: I could do you a cup of beans.
- Alan Partridge: A cup of beans?
- Michael: Have you never had a cup of beans, man? Oh, aye, aye, you're in for a treat here!
- [Alan tries to follow Michael into his house]
- Michael: No, stay there!
- Alan Partridge: [stepping back out onto street] Yeah, right.
- [Alan waits outside. A man walks out of the house. Then Michael returns with a mug]
- Michael: There you go. As ordered, one cup of beans. And I've put a sausage in and all. So, it's a Michael special.
- Alan Partridge: Marvellous. Lovely. It's like, sort of, like a savoury 99.
- Michael: Aye, aye! You use the sausage for to scoop the beans oot.
- Alan Partridge: Oh, I see, yeah. Have you got a spoon?
- Michael: No.
- Alan Partridge: You haven't got a spoon?
- Michael: There's one in the bathroom, but I've no cause to use it.
- Karen Colman: I just do my bit at events like this and fund-raising for mental health charities.
- Alan Partridge: That's one charity I avoid, actually, mental heath. Don't want to get tarred with the mad brush.
- Karen Colman: I really should go and mingle now.
- Alan Partridge: [follows her as she tries to walk away] I have mental health problems.
- Karen Colman: Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Alan Partridge: Yeah.
- Karen Colman: I should have realised. Although I did wonder when I first met you.
- Alan Partridge: I won't bore you with the details but I drove to Dundee in my bare feet after buying the rights to K9, the robot dog on casters from Doctor Who.
- Karen Colman: [talking to Sonja] Listen, things are beginning to wind down here. I've just some friends coming for a drink at the house.
- Alan Partridge: Splendid and tremendous.
- Karen Colman: [to Alan, in a jokey way] It's a girls-only night tonight!
- Alan Partridge: [trying to be jokey as well] Whaaa, loads of women talking blabbering crap?
- [Alan wants to leave Dan's house]
- Ceri Moody: A little hug?
- Alan Partridge: A quick one!
- [she hugs him]
- Alan Partridge: Don't rub your fanny on me!