- Alan Partridge: [on the phone to his son] Fernando, you're 22 years old and you're spending your Saturday afternoon in bed with a girl, you're wasting your life. It's a beautiful day. Take her out to a local fort or a Victorian folly. Yes, of course but... Look, your mum and I, believe me, we did it everywhere. You know, in the lounge, in the hall... Behind a large boulder on Helvellyn for my birthday. Actually, that is where you were conceived. We just didn't take precautions. No, no, we were delighted. I mean, at first I was mortified, but then you were born and we grew to like you.
- Susan: [after Alan heads off to his room] Show Lynn.
- Sophie: [impersonating Alan] Morning, Susan! A-haaaa!
- [they all laugh. Alan has overheard this, so he angrily comes back and swings his bag at them. It swings above their heads and knocks over a chair stacked on a table. He picks up one of their crisp packets and throws it on the floor]
- Alan Partridge: Watch it!
- Lynn Benfield: [entering Alan's room after he caught her joining in with the hotel staff making fun of him] Would you like a mint?
- Alan Partridge: No.
- [pause]
- Alan Partridge: Yes.
- [Lynn gives him a mint and has one herself]
- Alan Partridge: I don't think you should have one, Lynn. Considering what's happened.
- [Lynn meekly talks the mint out of her mouth]
- Alan Partridge: I tell you, it's a good job you weren't here 5 minutes ago. Listen to this. Listen, listen.
- [he picks up a dictaphone and presses play]
- Alan Partridge: [recorded voice on the dictaphone] Sack Lynn for being unloyal - disloyal. And for joining in fun in a way that excludes her employer. And sack her for being an absolute idiot and inefficient. Lynn, can you call Bill Oddie and...
- [Alan switches off the dictaphone]
- Alan Partridge: That's something else. It fell through.
- [on air, on Radio Norwich]
- Dave Clifton: [referring to Alan getting caught trying to steal a traffic cone] There goes Alan Partridge, cone but not forgotten. Are you off to see a film, like "Cone-an the Barbarian"?
- Alan Partridge: Yeah, good one.
- Dave Clifton: And then watch a bit of TV, eh? Like "Cone Dancing".
- Alan Partridge: Yeah. Not so good but fine.
- Dave Clifton: Oh, come on, Alan, what's the matter with you? Cone you take a joke?
- Alan Partridge: Oh, fuck off.
- Dave Clifton: Actually I'm, I am speechless. Dave Clifton is actually speechless. I don't believe you just said...
- Alan Partridge: You don't sound it. I wish you were.
- Dave Clifton: I am. I mean, I really don't know what to say. I find it really difficult to find a word...
- Alan Partridge: Try saying nothing!
- Dave Clifton: You and I both know that dead air is a crime. And I think it's terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show.
- Alan Partridge: Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong. It's one minute past seven, it's your show, you're responsible for the output. I am technically a guest and you've failed to control me. Read the small print on your cone-tract.
- Alan Partridge: [using the phone in his hotel room] Oh, hello, Susan. Erm, there's a slight problem... I was a bit bored so I dismantled my Corby trouser press. I, er... I can't put it back together again. Will that show up on my bill?
- Lynn Benfield: Why don't you come down and play then?
- Alan Partridge: Play? Lynn, they were doing impersonations of me.
- Lynn Benfield: Well, they were doing impersonations of everyone, Alan. Even me. It was quite savage.
- Alan Partridge: Were they really savage? Were they going...
- [he hunches over and mimes holding a handbag]
- Alan Partridge: "Ooh, shall I sit there? Ooh, shall I sit there? Ooh, I'm like a little mouse!"
- Lynn Benfield: [getting a bit cross] No, actually, it was a little bit like this: "Shall I let you walk all over me? Sorry, mother, can't get you out of the bath, I've got to pop down to Linton Travel Tavern to sort out Alan's problems!"
- Alan Partridge: That's very good.
- Lynn Benfield: [smiles] Thank you.
- Alan Partridge: [presenting his radio show] Let's say hello to my new comedy character, Camp David. Hello, Camp David.
- [he plays a recording]
- Alan Partridge: [recorded, stereotypically camp voice] Well, hello, Alan.
- Alan Partridge: And what did you have for breakfast this morning?
- Alan Partridge: [recorded, stereotypically camp voice] Ooh, mince!
- Alan Partridge: Mmm, yes, indeed! More from Camp David tomorrow.
- [during one of Alan's inane, interminable, patronising chats with Susan at the reception desk]
- Susan: [still maintaining her smile] Alan, why don't you go and talk to somebody else?
- Alan Partridge: You must have got up to a few pranks in your time.
- Michael: Why aye. Hey, I mind this one time, right, I was stationed oot in Belize, right, and I had this little macaque monkey as a pet, right. And one day, I came back to me tent, right, and it had eaten all me fags. So I picked it up and I threw it in the sea.
- Alan Partridge: You threw a monkey in the sea?
- Michael: Well, he'd eaten all me fags, man, you know, it was a big packet of 200 duty-frees, like.
- Alan Partridge: You threw a monkey in the sea. That's awful. I was fishing for some sort of funny story. That's just upsetting.
- Michael: Well, you know, I wasn't thinking straight, right. You know, I just kind of got the red mist in front of me eyes and I just grabbed the monkey and hoyed it in the sea.
- Alan Partridge: Will you stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea? All I can see is a monkey spinning towards the water.
- Michael: Well, it didn't go straight into the water, it bounced off a rock.
- Alan Partridge: Oh, Michael! That's such a pointless death. At least when they experiment on them, they sort of get something out of it. Nice perfume or something.
- Alan Partridge: [presenting his radio show] Time to say ruddy hell, it's Soft Cell.
- [he plays "Tainted Love"]